A Brief Visit with Cap’n Timmy

Yarrr! That’s right, shipmates, step lively now! Mister Kyle, call th’ company to order! All hands on deck! Yarrrrr! Pipe down there amidships and listen up!

As yer captain, I be sore perplexed by th’ state o’ things aboard this here bucket. This mornin’, th’ master’s mate informed me that a certain sailor — I ain’t sayin’ who, but by thunder! he knows who he is! — that he be showin’ hisself on th’ deck wearin’ a striped shirt with a plaid pair o’ pantaloons. Yarrr! I want that swab to know now that him sayin’, “I can get away with it,” don’t cut it aboard this vessel! Damnation, it don’t sir! We be wearin’ coordinatin’ outfits aboard this here ship, and whomsoever don’t like it can do a runway walk down th’ plank! Yarrrrr!

Now, all hands know th’ Flamin’ Queen is a good ship, a proud ship and a damned chic ship, and we means to keep her that way! We observe th’ social niceties here, even if th’ Ramrod’s crew over yonder don’t. We knows when to put out th’ best silver — by th’ blazes we do! — and we always puts th’ salad fork where it ought to go. Now, Billy and Todd, step up here and tell yer captain where be yer manners and taste th’ day afore last when we boarded that sloop off o’ Barcelona? Didn’t we all agree to wear th’ burgundy bandanas with th’ yeller polky dots that day? And we was to bring our good knives too, them’s that has th’ ivory handles, wasn’t we? And, by thunder! — what did ye both mean with them felt hats with all th’ feathers comin’ out every which way? And was them scuffed shoes I seen on yer feet, Todd? We was to make a good impression on th’ Spaniards, but you and Billy spoilt it all! And that cheap cologne into th’ bargain! Yarrrr! Back amongst th’ ranks with ye! I’m takin’ ye both off macrame detail ’til ye learns some deportment! Yarrrr!

Now then, some o’ th’ crew ain’t been usin’ th’ gym likes they should. And them’s that’s been sluffin’ off has been wearin’ baggy clothes to hide th’ fact. Well, startin’ tomorrow, I personally will lead ab class every mornin’ here on deck, and every man jack o’ ye better turn out for it! It’ll be crunches from bow to stern! Each o’ ye will have a six pack inside o’ one month, come hell or high water! And I best see some signs o’ use on th’ Nautilus machine too! We got a locker full o’ nutritional supplements down in th’ hold and I suggest we start usin’ them!

All right, now we comes to tonight’s dance. We’ll be comin’ alongside th’ Ramrod at eight bells. Th’ ship’s carpenter says he’s fashioned a disco ball out o’ plunder from th’ Spanish sloop, and we means to present it to Cap’n Bruce and Lootenant Brent as a gesture o’ good will. Brad and Joey, I be puttin’ ye in charge o’ feather boas. Not so pink like last time — more corral if ye please. And Jimmy, make them spiked high heels five inches and no less! All th’ rest o’ ye men, look lively! Justin, ye finish up th’ faux marble in my cabin like a good lad. I be hankerin’ for more o’ a Venetian look. Mister Kyle, form a detachment o’ men to chill th’ champagne and make up some party favors. Now let’s skip to it men! We’ll show th’ Ramrods what it means to be a Flamin’ Queen! Yarrrr!