Lord Hamlet at the Deli: The Lost Scene
The following is the text of a recently discovered manuscript containing a “lost scene” to Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Scholars are unsure of its authenticity, but in complete agreement on why it’s not in the play . . . it stinks!
Act III, scene iv
Hamlet and Horatio arrive at a delicatessen.
HAMLET: What say you to liverwurst on rye, my good Horatio?
HORATIO: Indeed, my lord, I am famished. That invention, so miraculously begot of the Earl of Sandwich, would mostly heartily agree with me at this time.
HAMLET: Aye, so would it with me. Let us approach.
Hamlet and Horatio approach the counter and strike the bell.
DELI MAN: Who rings?
HAMLET: ’Tis I who rings, honest sir.
DELI MAN: Rings and honesty do indeed abide together; yet as rings may bind, so honesty may blind, beware you of that my noble lord.
HAMLET: There is truth to what you say, though I merely ring to summon you, sir.
DELI MAN: So you ring to wring from me?
HAMLET: Having rung, I offer no wrong. My ring is a thing with no offense in ’t.
DELI MAN: A ring wrongly rung runs rings ’round righteously wrought rings — as you must know, my lord.
HAMLET: Well said, deli man, though I leave it to time and experience to instruct your meaning to me better.
HORATIO: Good deli man, let us state matters plainly: we wish to purchase from you a meal.
DELI MAN: A meal of what kind?
HAMLET: Two liverwurst on rye, if it please you.
HORATIO: Attended each by pickles sour.
HAMLET: And Cokes diet.
DELI MAN: Most wryly put, sirs; liver, being the seat of all desire, is the worst; for is it not so that when one wants, one wants badly?
HAMLET: ’Tis true, deli man, and this liverwurst on rye I most potently want in the worst way.
GHOST: Forget not the mustard, my son; for thy will, dull’d in purpose, needs spice!
HORATIO: My lord! The ghost, your father, appears before us, and entreats you!
HAMLET: O my prophetic soul! It is my father, come to spur me on to my slow revenge!
GHOST: Hamlet! Choose not the yellow mustard! Bland it is, with a sickly hue. Spicy brown… Spicy brown…
HORATIO: Look! It moves away! It wishes you to come with it. But don’t go, my lord!
HAMLET: So I shall go, Horatio! Father, I am coming! O deli man, impart to no one what you have seen here this day. And wrap our meals to go!
DELI MAN: Aye, my good lord. And something for your father? A nice knish?
HAMLET: Come, Horatio! Forget not the napkins and sporks!
Exeunt
Act III, scene iv
Hamlet and Horatio arrive at a delicatessen.
HAMLET: What say you to liverwurst on rye, my good Horatio?
HORATIO: Indeed, my lord, I am famished. That invention, so miraculously begot of the Earl of Sandwich, would mostly heartily agree with me at this time.
HAMLET: Aye, so would it with me. Let us approach.
Hamlet and Horatio approach the counter and strike the bell.
DELI MAN: Who rings?
HAMLET: ’Tis I who rings, honest sir.
DELI MAN: Rings and honesty do indeed abide together; yet as rings may bind, so honesty may blind, beware you of that my noble lord.
HAMLET: There is truth to what you say, though I merely ring to summon you, sir.
DELI MAN: So you ring to wring from me?
HAMLET: Having rung, I offer no wrong. My ring is a thing with no offense in ’t.
DELI MAN: A ring wrongly rung runs rings ’round righteously wrought rings — as you must know, my lord.
HAMLET: Well said, deli man, though I leave it to time and experience to instruct your meaning to me better.
HORATIO: Good deli man, let us state matters plainly: we wish to purchase from you a meal.
DELI MAN: A meal of what kind?
HAMLET: Two liverwurst on rye, if it please you.
HORATIO: Attended each by pickles sour.
HAMLET: And Cokes diet.
DELI MAN: Most wryly put, sirs; liver, being the seat of all desire, is the worst; for is it not so that when one wants, one wants badly?
HAMLET: ’Tis true, deli man, and this liverwurst on rye I most potently want in the worst way.
GHOST: Forget not the mustard, my son; for thy will, dull’d in purpose, needs spice!
HORATIO: My lord! The ghost, your father, appears before us, and entreats you!
HAMLET: O my prophetic soul! It is my father, come to spur me on to my slow revenge!
GHOST: Hamlet! Choose not the yellow mustard! Bland it is, with a sickly hue. Spicy brown… Spicy brown…
HORATIO: Look! It moves away! It wishes you to come with it. But don’t go, my lord!
HAMLET: So I shall go, Horatio! Father, I am coming! O deli man, impart to no one what you have seen here this day. And wrap our meals to go!
DELI MAN: Aye, my good lord. And something for your father? A nice knish?
HAMLET: Come, Horatio! Forget not the napkins and sporks!
Exeunt
posted by mr. schprock at 5:19 AM
14 Comments:
Now there's a Hamlet I can read. :P
I think Shakespeare was having a bad day.
OK - blogger hates me and deleted my previous comment, in which I tried to return in kind that which you have placed on offer for our enjoyment.
THe general message was this - I had to stop and pause for breath before proceeding with the reading. Much much fun!!
Well, Hamlet is HARDLY a comedy you know, but I take your meaning, gentle Tiff.
Aaahh, pure poetry. On rye.
I'm a yellow mustard girl, myself.
What and odd and wonderful thing to find.
Twas truly a brilliant treatise m'lord. Like Yoda at times did it sound.
"Aaahh, pure poetry. On rye."
Ah, yes, even when he didn't have his A-game going, the Bard could still bring on the heat.
"I'm a yellow mustard girl, myself."
Nothing is better than yellow mustard on a pretzel at Fenway Park.
"What and odd and wonderful thing to find."
Yes, apparently the manuscript was tucked away in someone's grandmother's closet, stuck in there with a bunch of old player piano rolls.
"Twas truly a brilliant treatise m'lord. Like Yoda at times did it sound."
You mean the author of "The Tragedie of Annikin and Padme"? Yes, very similar.
"Attended each by pickles sour."
Genius! If only The Bard himself had known of product placement.
It is strangely comedic for Hamlet. If you want maximum laughs, you should toss in some crazy Ophelia.
"It is strangely comedic for Hamlet."
A man orders his lunch and suddenly the ghost of his father appears reminding him to kill his uncle? That's funny?
Actually, that is kind of funny.
Have you been having trouble sleeping, lately, Schprock?
You never cease to amaze me, Schprock.
Bravo.
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