I Read the News Today . . . Oh Boy

You would think after John F. Kennedy was forced to set the record straight to all those voters who had misgivings about his Irish ancestry and religion that no other presidential candidate would ever need to make such a speech again. But apparently people forget. Last Tuesday another Irishman found his religious convictions the subject of controversy and needed to settle the matter. This time it was Barack O’Bama, whom I believe is either a Democrat or a Whig running for his party’s nomination. Now, I didn’t hear this speech, but I’ll bet old Mr. O’Bama shook his shillelagh and told ’em all once and for all he wasn’t one to take orders from any pope. Faith and begorrah! So let’s not be botherin’ with that anymore, shall we lads?

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I hear oil has gone over $100 a barrel. Question: could we find a cheaper kind of barrel to ship it in? After all, who cares what the barrels look like?

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New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign from office because of dealings with an escort service. Now, if we’re talking police or military, I can understand the fuss. He was just the governor of New York, not the king of France for crying out loud. Tax dollars shouldn’t be wasted like that. What? — should all our politicians be carted around in horse-drawn carriages protected by muskets and cannons? I think not. Way to go, citizens of New York!

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The new governor of New York, David Paterson, is legally blind. Here’s a question: what percentage of Americans are illegally blind? The answer may come as a surprise.

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FACT: Ray Charles waited until 1992 to legalize his blindness. And who talked him into it? That’s right: Stevie Wonder.

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The annual list of celebrities commonly thought to be dead, but are still living, just came out. Tied for first place honors this year are: Martin Landau and Charles Nelson Reilly! Keep on breathing, boys!

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ITEM: We have all heard of silent letters, such as the “b” in “climb” and the “e” in “fine,” but some researchers claim to have uncovered evidence of letters that are both silent and invisible. One clinician working with patients hooked on phonics reports to have discovered a “q” in “dropsy,” while another doctor insists the entire Phoenician alphabet is contained in the word “albatross.” Says one national spelling bee official: “Man, I wish these guys were silent and invisible.”

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Recently, pollsters asked the nation’s parrots this question: if you could vote in the presidential primary, who would you vote for? The overwhelming response: BAAAAAARRRAAAACCCCK!

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I am the Egg Man. Coo coo coo-choo.

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MIT scientists have developed a computer simulation program to settle once and for all the age-old dispute: in a duel, who would win — Batman or Superman? Proponents of Superman boast of his super-strength and invulnerability, while Batman’s adherents counter by citing the Dark Knight’s superior intelligence and cunning, along with a complete array of sophisticated, crime-fighting gadgetry, all of his own design. They also note Batman’s total mastery of karate, kung fu and jujitsu, his stature as the world’s greatest magician, well-schooled in the art of misdirection, and his standing as a supreme hypnotist, who can instantly put anyone under his spell to become slave to his will and his will alone. Also mentioned are Batman’s five books of poetry, his seven doctorates, and the Nobel prize he won for physics in 1999.

The result: in ten straight trials, Superman had Batman by the windpipe and choked him unconscious within a fraction of a second.

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That is all. Over and out.