Friday, March 21, 2008

I Read the News Today . . . Oh Boy

You would think after John F. Kennedy was forced to set the record straight to all those voters who had misgivings about his Irish ancestry and religion that no other presidential candidate would ever need to make such a speech again. But apparently people forget. Last Tuesday another Irishman found his religious convictions the subject of controversy and needed to settle the matter. This time it was Barack O’Bama, whom I believe is either a Democrat or a Whig running for his party’s nomination. Now, I didn’t hear this speech, but I’ll bet old Mr. O’Bama shook his shillelagh and told ’em all once and for all he wasn’t one to take orders from any pope. Faith and begorrah! So let’s not be botherin’ with that anymore, shall we lads?

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I hear oil has gone over $100 a barrel. Question: could we find a cheaper kind of barrel to ship it in? After all, who cares what the barrels look like?

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New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign from office because of dealings with an escort service. Now, if we’re talking police or military, I can understand the fuss. He was just the governor of New York, not the king of France for crying out loud. Tax dollars shouldn’t be wasted like that. What? — should all our politicians be carted around in horse-drawn carriages protected by muskets and cannons? I think not. Way to go, citizens of New York!

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The new governor of New York, David Paterson, is legally blind. Here’s a question: what percentage of Americans are illegally blind? The answer may come as a surprise.

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FACT: Ray Charles waited until 1992 to legalize his blindness. And who talked him into it? That’s right: Stevie Wonder.

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The annual list of celebrities commonly thought to be dead, but are still living, just came out. Tied for first place honors this year are: Martin Landau and Charles Nelson Reilly! Keep on breathing, boys!

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ITEM: We have all heard of silent letters, such as the “b” in “climb” and the “e” in “fine,” but some researchers claim to have uncovered evidence of letters that are both silent and invisible. One clinician working with patients hooked on phonics reports to have discovered a “q” in “dropsy,” while another doctor insists the entire Phoenician alphabet is contained in the word “albatross.” Says one national spelling bee official: “Man, I wish these guys were silent and invisible.”

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Recently, pollsters asked the nation’s parrots this question: if you could vote in the presidential primary, who would you vote for? The overwhelming response: BAAAAAARRRAAAACCCCK!

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I am the Egg Man. Coo coo coo-choo.

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MIT scientists have developed a computer simulation program to settle once and for all the age-old dispute: in a duel, who would win — Batman or Superman? Proponents of Superman boast of his super-strength and invulnerability, while Batman’s adherents counter by citing the Dark Knight’s superior intelligence and cunning, along with a complete array of sophisticated, crime-fighting gadgetry, all of his own design. They also note Batman’s total mastery of karate, kung fu and jujitsu, his stature as the world’s greatest magician, well-schooled in the art of misdirection, and his standing as a supreme hypnotist, who can instantly put anyone under his spell to become slave to his will and his will alone. Also mentioned are Batman’s five books of poetry, his seven doctorates, and the Nobel prize he won for physics in 1999.

The result: in ten straight trials, Superman had Batman by the windpipe and choked him unconscious within a fraction of a second.

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That is all. Over and out.

17 Comments:

Blogger LL said...

Damn... I was certain that Batman would win... Did it mention what would happen if he went up against Wolverine? Man of steel yes... but adamantium is stronger than steel.

1:23 PM  
Blogger Flash said...

I had to go with superman just because he's invincible. Batman is a regular guy who just has alot of cool toys.

Now if Batman laced his Batarang with some kryptonite...maybe then.

6:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe that Mr. Schprock is in fact the infamous "Thorny" who grew up with my good buddies Clancy, Scanlon and Rempelakis - correct?

2:05 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Remp, Scanzo and Clank? Absolutely. Who's this?

5:23 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Hahahaha.

That's all I got.

9:24 AM  
Blogger Farrago said...

"Remp, Scanzo, Thorny and Clank." Those are some awesome buddy names!

But not a law firm I would feel comfortable with my affairs....

Reveal yourself, anonymous. My buddy Schprock needs good news.

9:55 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Whoa! That'sa lotta nooze. Thanks for the report, esp the parrot poll results.

10:50 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

The annual list of celebrities commonly thought to be dead, but are still living, just came out. Tied for first place honors this year are: Martin Landau and Charles Nelson Reilly! Keep on breathing, boys

Talk about the air leaving the windpipe. Hysterical. I sited the above and then wanted to do the next ... and the next. Particularly loved the superhero battle.

This is partially why I miss you ... when you leave us.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Irb said...

Oh Dr. Schprock. You're my prescription for the daily blues!

12:56 PM  
Blogger Beveridge D. Spenser said...

Sr. Schprock - I have followed your command, watched and reviewed
Frenzy
.
But while I'm here - Is Abe Vigoda still alive?

9:31 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Ah, I've missed you, Schprockie. This was classic Schprockman.

Thank you.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

This was a classic. I felt a little bad for Batman, but what was he thinking?

7:53 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I'm a day late, please forgive me, but happy mother's day to the wife!

9:54 AM  
Blogger Madre Farbot said...

Escort service, eh?

Yeah, I can see why that maybe a problem. I mean, if I was a hooker I wouldn't like to see my nemesis parade all their wares, all legal like, and taunting us. Why, it'd be like a slap in the face, or maybe even thighs!

1:34 AM  
Blogger LucyDDCF said...

um... obama's religion is Muslim, If he gets voted in I plan 2 apply for Canadian citizenship

4:53 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

It's been almost 3 months. Can that be true? Have you not blogged for almost 3 months? I'm going to tell myself that's wrong. So very wrong.

1:14 PM  
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1:16 AM  

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