Friday, November 25, 2005


How was everyone’s Thanksgiving? Good? Eat too much? No? Who said no? Well, you march right back into that kitchen and gorge yourself until I say you can stop. Thanksgiving and your pants still fit? Not on my watch, buster.

We don’t have a traditional Thanksgiving at our house. First of all, I’ve got this weird personal diet that doesn’t allow me to eat turkeys or chickens or cows or pigs, or, for that matter, snakes, rabbits, chinchillas, orangutans, cheetahs, and so on. The only meat I eat is fish. It’s a long story why and I really don’t think I can explain it intelligently. Suffice it to say, I'm not a turkey guy. And my wife, who grew up in Puerto Rico, doesn’t have a taste for turkey. (By the way, if you're curious, they do celebrate Thanksgiving in Puerto Rico — the last Thursday in November is usually the only time your average Puerto Rican ever eats turkey.) So Thursday night we had some friends come over and we sat down to roasted pork, roasted chicken, baccalau, arroz con gandules, pasteles, coquito, sweet potato, egg tortillas, and a host of other things that have gotten my stomach hideously distended.

I wasn’t always a lacto-ovo-pesce-vegetarian, you know. Growing up, my family invariably had the traditional Thanksgiving meal. Like most people, I preferred the light meat over the dark, and I loved to flood my mashed potatoes with gravy. My mother made the best stuffing. We all assembled at the table to watch my father make a federal project out of carving the turkey. He was a civil engineer, and watching him slowly and systemically carve the turkey made you wonder why he didn’t just go all the way and break out his surveying equipment. Every year he waited until my head was turned while making a wise remark to my sister so he could stealthily toss the turkey’s butt onto my plate. Then he’d wait for me to ask, “what's this?” so he could make his little joke: “That's the part of the turkey that went over the fence last.” I never got tired of that one. No sir.

This is an exciting time of life for me, by the way — my tame little world has just been rocked. See, Daughter Number 2 — although she’ll never admit this — did something fatal to the old Mac PowerBook we have at home so it wouldn’t start up anymore. Maybe she downloaded the latest from song from Killer Virus called Melt Your Drive. All we were getting was the disk icon with the flashing question mark, a sign of very sick Mac. Now, this PowerBook is old. How old, you ask? Well, Lewis and Clark mapped out the Northwest Passage with it. How old? The first draft of the Magna Carta was written on it. How old? Og used it to plan his cave paintings (the computer came with a “bison-hunting” program). I'm sure you get the idea: it’s pretty bloody old. It had System 9, for crying out loud, and it froze all the time. At work I have the latest of everything, so it’s always been a bit of a comedown to go from cutting edge to an old family heirloom. BUT, because Daughter Number 2 nuked the PowerBook, I was forced to wipe the hard drive clean (losing all documents and programs in the process, naturally) and install System 10! And do you know what? It feels like we have a brand new computer! I could dance a jig I’m so happy!

For everyone who synchronized their calendars with mine so they’d know exactly when I planned to start my last vacation of the year, it’s been put back a day. This catalog job of mine won’t let me go. I had to put in a few hours on it during Thanksgiving day and then Friday, a day we traditionally have off, most of the staff had to come in to work. Ms. Smith shows no mercy. Monday will be my final day of work, and then I can stay home in my jammies and big poofy slippers and watch Oprah with the cat on my lap and a box of Whitman’s chocolates by my side. I also hope to do some writing . . . if I can squeeze it in between napping and Oprah. We’ll have to see.


Blogger Chloe said...

What do you mean, you don't eat cheetah?! That's just crazy talk.

Have a fabulous and restful break!

8:55 PM  
Blogger Yoda said...

Yesterday me + friends went out a mall to spend some $$ and generally to pass time. There was this mediterranean food joint in the food court called "Firdaus".

I ordered a "Roast leg of lamb" dish. Little did I know that it was LITERALLY a leg of lamb. Gosh, I was so full of meat that it grossed me out. I've decided to go vegetarian the coming week.

Fish is allowed though!

9:01 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

I so skim the surface of computer knowledge (Mac user, as well) that I'm afraid to act when a pop-up window appears to give me any kind of warning, like "Are you SURE you want to shut down?"

And I eased up on the turkey dinner this year, despite the absolutely marvelous stuffing. Actually had room left for dessert! It's time for me to be cutting back anyway. Need to lose that "fatting" description in my profile.

8:33 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Thanks, Chloe! (BTW, I got something in the mail that I thought was wicked, wicked nice!)

"Little did I know that it was LITERALLY a leg of lamb."

That reminds me of an old Alfred Hitchcock TV show episode where a woman kills her husband with a frozen leg of lamb and later feeds it to the investigating officers. Oh, the many uses…

"Need to lose that "fatting" description in my profile."

Go ahead and lose the weight, but somehow keep "fatting(?)" — that's sort of your trademark, I think.

5:33 PM  
Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

It's high time that when computers die they take a picture of the last person to use them - I don't know, and somehow etch them onto their cold monitors. How much would that solve!?

Have fun in your slippers. :)

2:19 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

" It's high time that when computers die…"

A world without computers? The slide rule companies will love that.

4:28 AM  
Blogger Mrs.T said...

Napping is SO very important..

Happy NonTurkey Turkey Day.

6:34 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Napping is SO very important."

Funny, my cat says the same thing.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

“That's the part of the turkey that went over the fence last.” I never got tired of that one. No sir.

This is always my dilemma. I start cutting and pasting quotes and then realize it's almost the entire post. Thank you for all the laughs while I sit here.

You sound like a chip off the old block. Love your quips!

10:31 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Yeah, dear old Dad, quite the comedian.

10:48 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

We don't let my dad slice the turkey. Generally, anything that involves sharp or pointy objects is done by my mom. It's just much safer for everyone...

PS I'd like a picture of the fuzzy slippers! Heh!

2:02 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"PS I'd like a picture of the fuzzy slippers! Heh!"

Wait a minute — are you making fun of the fuzzy slippers? Because no one makes fun of the fuzzy slippers. You can make fun of me, you can make fun of my pink and yellow calculator watch, you can make fun of my tie-dyed, bell-bottomed jeans with the matching Nehru jacket, but let's leave the fuzzy slippers out of this, okay? Okay?

Now I know you didn't mean it, so no harm done. Just a warning this time.

3:50 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Mr Schprock - Enjoy the vacation. I just got back from mine. I think you need to introduce your daughter to the Consulting Detective!

5:31 PM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I have a very good veggie stuffing and mushroom gravy recipe which I break out once a year so that I can enjoy T-giving with something other mashed potatoes and green bean casserole. I'd offer them to you, but I think I like your T-giving dinner better.

3:42 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I think you need to introduce your daughter to the Consulting Detective!"

I'd be happy to introduce my daughter to a dustpan and broom.

"I have a very good veggie stuffing and mushroom gravy recipe…"

Mmmmm. Veggie stuffing and mushroom gravy…

I'm coming to your house for Thanksgiving next year, Kathleen.

4:05 AM  

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