Accent Envy

Why am I such a sucker for an English accent? Why do I wish I could speak with one? Why do I think anyone with an English accent is sooo sophisticated and well-educated, while I, complete rube that I am, suffer by comparison? Why do I wish I could use “shan’t” in a sentence without being laughed at simply because I’d have to say it with my lame-ass, generic, white bread Massachusetts accent? “I shouldn’t think so, old man.” “Jolly good!” “I’ll ring you up then.” “Cheers!” How I’d love to say those things! But, instead, I’m stuck with: “It don’t sound right to me, buddy.” “Wicked pissa!” “I’ll give you a buzz.” “Catch ya later!” Not quite the same panache.

Of the many accents that sound so much better than mine, English is right up there at the top. Even the Cockneys, ’oo ’ave problems with their aitches, sound better than my boring, plain jane accent. Maybe it has something to do with our once having been an English colony. Maybe it’s because of The Beatles and the British Invasion of the ’sixties. Maybe it’s just because the English sound so bloody good and have a habit of putting things the best possible way. Who knows? But I dig a British accent.

Here’s a little story: one of our clients is English. One time he called me up to go over some edits to a sales brochure I was doing for him. When we came to, say, page 23, he directed me to scan down the page to the penultimate paragraph. Now, look, I went to college, and I’d like to think my vocabulary isn’t half bad, but I just didn’t know what penultimate meant. I had heard it before, naturally. Maybe I thought it was something like “more ultimate than ultimate.” In any case, I was stymied. Finally, I asked, “Which one?” and he repeated, “Penultimate.” Then I asked, “But which one is that?” There was an unmistakable sigh heard on the other end, followed by: “The last paragraph but one.”

Ohhh.

Dumb Yank. Smart Brit.

My next favorite accent is the New York City accent. Pick any one you want: Manhattan, Brooklyn, the Bronx, Queens — they’re all good. Anyone who speaks with a New York accent sounds worldly-wise, sassy, hip, and about ten steps ahead of you. You can chew gum and still look urbane and uptown with a New York accent. A friend of mine once remarked that New Yorkers are funnier than anyone else in the country. I think that’s true. Maybe that explains why half the comedians you see come from New York. Maybe that explains the mystifying phenomenon that was Andrew Dice Clay, whose material definitely wouldn’t have worked for a guy from, say, Southie (hint: think Good Will Hunting). Yeah, New Yawk…

Next on my list is the French accent. The peculiar pronunciations the French have of English words alone make them enchanting to the ear, with their knack of applying stress to the wrong syllables that inevitably make these words sound so right. The French, when speaking English, have a guttural sound that, somehow, doesn’t seem harsh to the ear like you think it should. They shape words like an accomplished sculptor of wood might carve a delicate nymph with a chain saw. On top of that, the French accent just sounds so European, so continental. Say anything you want in a French accent and it’ll come off as impressively old world and cultured.

Continuing, Italian follows in my list. When I hear anything spoken with an Italian accent, it conjures in my mind a musical staff hatched up into equal measures, which are overrun with a graceful series of tiny, tightly-packed sixteenth and thirty-second notes that flow up and down and up and down like a dance of diminutive black dots. Is there any wonder so many operas have been written for the Italian tongue? Is it not the most musical of languages? I’ll never forget a trip we took to Rome one year and listening to Italian spoken all around us, like hearing a variety of birds chattering away and calling to one another in an orchard. There is no question I would be very satisfied to have that expressive accent for my own.

There are other accents which appeal to me. Some African ones I think are intriguing. I think Jamaican sounds cool. Here is the question du jour: if you could choose an accent, which would it be? Have you ever considered the question? Are you content with your own, or would you prefer something more exotic? Is there anyone in particular (in my case, David Niven) you’d like to sound like?