The Friday Round-Up: 10.16.2015

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson, responding to a question about his stance on gun control in the wake of the Oregon school shooting, said, “I would ask everybody to attack the gunman because he can only shoot one of us at a time. That way, we don't all wind up dead.” Yes, he’s a total ass. Yes, his remark was insensitive. Yes, his arguments against gun control are stupid. Yes, running for president is clearly not brain surgery. But would it make sense to drill students from middle school on up on some basic self defense techniques designed to rush and disable a gunman? Maybe train them to use things commonly found in a classroom, such as chairs that can act as shields and weapons? I hate to say it, but I don’t think these indiscriminate mass shootings are going to go away. What would be your first reaction in such a situation? I would probably freeze or cower or attempt to run away. My last instinct would be to run toward a shooter. But what if it’s inculcated from a young age that your first reaction should be to use strength in numbers to overwhelm a single nut job blasting away with a gun, and teach that your odds of survival will actually improve if you choose fight over flight? This could possibly (a) save lives and (b) discourage the fringe types from trying it in the first place.

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I’ve noticed over the past several years that the new way of saying “dead” in the news is “unresponsive.” Oh, all right, perhaps in a few exceptions a faint vital sign might still flutter or there’s a coma at first, and the person in question might not be quite dead yet. But I feel there’s a reluctance to come right out and say “dead” in these breaking news reports, opting instead for the more clinical and safe “unresponsive.” It’s really saying the same thing, although you can argue that “unresponsive” has an invisible ellipsis after it while “dead” is followed by a period. “Unresponsive” means “still warm,” while “dead” means “stiff and cold.” In practical usage, “unresponsive” can never replace “dead.” There will be no movie entitled “Unresponsive Man Walking.” And I’ll never ask myself how many years has it been now since Grandpa stopped responding.

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Tutankhamun, the boy pharaoh commonly known as “King Tut,” was found unresponsive in his golden sarcophagus in 1922. He is now believed to be dead.

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The Associated Press puts the tally of deaths caused by the stampede of pilgrims near Mecca last month at 1,453 people. These deadly stampedes seem to occur every year. For some reason I automatically associate this annual tragedy with the running of the bulls in Spain. The first is supposed to be a life-affirming act, the second death-defying. Yet between the two I like the chances with the bulls better.

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Speaking of death, whenever a notable figure in Boston dies, out come the bagpipes. Bagpipes! Always with the bagpipes!

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I’m nearly 60 years old, which means I only have 50 years left. There are a lot of good books, movies, and TV series out there with more being produced all the time, so I have to be choosy about what kind of entertainment I commit to. I just watched the pilot to “The Good Wife” on Hulu. It was a good first date, I think we hit it off and I’m willing to see it again. But I’ve been burned before. I have to be careful.

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If you grew up in a soundproof glass house and no one ever explained wind to you, you might think trees randomly get agitated or excited.

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I think people who drive slow in the passing lane should donate their brains to science so we can find a cure.

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Someday I hope to open a shop selling fishing tackle and electrical supplies. I'll call it The Bait ’n’ Switch.

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I believe we are all to some degree racist. It's a human condition we can't avoid, or so my belief goes. Every day I catch myself making assumptions about someone based on race. Intellectually, I realize that what I just thought was a load of crap, but influences during my upbringing, maybe stupid stuff I heard my grandfather say when I was five, keep the crap coming back. In general, this is what goes on in my head when my guard is down: "All [particular ethnic group] are [popular negative stereotype] except for the ones I know."

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I am a lucky winner of the 4G Birth Lottery. There are many other winners just like me. And what does “4G” stand for? Genetics, gender, gentrification and geography. I’m white, I’m male, I’ve never had to worry about money or social standing, and I’m a citizen of a powerful, western-style democracy. Purely by accident I started life out ahead. So many people in the world, so many people right here in this country, wish they had it like me. They think I have it made, and they’re right, I do. Is it fair? Christ no.

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Combining the subjects of racism and the arbitrariness of birth (and at some risk of offending people), here is a strange thought that sometimes enters my head: what if I, the person that I am, as morally predisposed as I imagine myself to be, was born into the aristocracy of the antebellum South, heir to a huge plantation? To put it more bluntly, what kind of slaveowner would I be? Using historical fiction as my guide, and rejecting the sanitized “Gone with the Wind” version of the Old South in favor of the South's portrayal in “Roots,” I think even subjected to the cultural indoctrination of the times I would likely have a pretty good (or good enough) understanding of slavery to recognize the utter degradation, injustice and hopelessness humans suffer under such a system. And I have to believe that even back then genteel Southern society must have known deep down in their bones that it was inherently evil and wrong to own human beings, and had to do some serious mental gymnastics to maintain good opinions of themselves. But here I am, essentially myself, all my inborn qualities good and bad, my innate moral rectitude ready to go, but a product of the South, a plantation owner. Would I recognize that slavery was wrong and find a way to free the people under my charge, whose lives I control? Or would wish I could if only it was economically feasible, choosing instead to be as kind and fair as possible? Or would only the bottom line concern me? Would I break up families? Would I see them as chattel instead as fellow humans? Would I be cruel? 

My answer? Although I’d like to say that I’d wake up one morning ready to be the hero abolitionist, the famous plantation owner the history books say bucked the system and endured the scorn of his caste, I know how I'm constituted (a little bit lazy, a little bit deferential, not immune to peer pressure) and fear that at best I'd wind up like Thomas Jefferson, the so-called good master, who held onto his slaves until after he died. It's an easy way to salve one's conscience without any personal sacrifice. In school we were taught that Jefferson freeing his slaves after he died was supposed to be a magnanimous gesture, and for that reason the stink of slavery didn't stick to him. Of course, I'll never know, I could be better or I could be worse (would I take advantage of the women like he did? would I turn a blind eye to the overseers?), and it's not a very pleasant line of inquiry or subject for polite discussion, but I think it's an interesting question for anyone to ask.

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The democratic presidential debate delivered! Hillary was unflappable and had an answer for everything. Bernie made his case and for a while made me forget that I could never trust this old man to live out a first term of office. Chafee scared the hell out of me with his ventriloquist’s dummy, frozen-smile face and strange retorts (you’re looking at a block of granite! it was my first day!). Webb, a bulldog stuffed in a suit, was constantly miffed about the rules and the type of questions he was getting. O’Malley, central casting’s idea of a politician, tap danced around those Baltimore questions and not a bad speech at the end. Great theater, very entertaining. However, I am looking forward to when it’s down to just Hillary and Bernie and the debates start having themes (foreign policy, domestic policy, economic policy). As far as a winner goes, Bernie people will say Bernie won and Hillary people will say Hillary won. So I think Hillary won.

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I have just watched the first two episodes of “Rick and Morty,” the Adult Swim cartoon. My whole life has shaped me for this moment. I’m home.

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That is all.