Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Backaches

Don’t you hate backaches? Don’t they just burn you? They can mess up your whole perspective on the world. Backaches make me feel weak and brittle, and I can easily imagine a karate chop in just the right place could break me perfectly in two (think Darth Maul, Episode One). Back in the early 1980s when the Boston Celtics won their next to the last championship (that’s a depressing thought right there), a reporter asked their coach, Bill Fitch, how he felt about winning it all. His reply was simple. He told the reporter that anyone who has ever experienced a nagging backache, one that never seems to quit, couldn’t enjoy much of anything. And I thought, can a backache affect him that much? He just won the freakin’ championship for crying out loud! But, alas, the long, hard years have helped me to understand Bill. I feel his pain. I mean I really feel his pain.

When I have a backache, I get a self-image of a weak, bitter, old man — no longer the bouncy, energetic dynamo I fancy myself to be. I walk like an old man, I bend over like an old man, and I’m cranky like an old man. The only thing lacking is a cane to poke children with while telling the whippersnappers to slow down and mind their manners. I feel completely crooked in body and soul and I yearn for the good old days when I could dress myself without groaning or get out of a chair in under five minutes.

In other words, when I have a backache, I’m the biggest wuss you ever saw.

Needless to say, I’m experiencing a backache right now. I’m not sure what set it off, but I do have a theory or two. The top suspects are that I’ve been sleeping too much on my stomach and last weekend I had to pick up and carry the lawn mower about ten times (don’t ask me why). Usually it occurs in my lower right back, but this time, for a little variety, my muscles decided to go oingo-boingo on my lower left. It’s a clenching kind of action they make and as they do it they seem to shout, “Oh no you don’t!” For instance, when I go to pick up a pencil I dropped on the floor, I hear “Oh no you don’t!” Or if I twist to reach the telephone, it’s “Oh no you don’t!” When I try to climb onto my bicycle, “Oh no you don’t!” And, of course, as I desperately hustle across the street to avoid the oncoming traffic, they mock me by saying, “Suckah, you a dead man!”

I’ve had much worse backaches. This morning I could run for three miles relatively pain-free, so my back will allow me to do some things. Pedaling my bike to work isn’t fun though. Sitting seems to be the toughest thing. No matter how hard I try to correct my posture and find that perfect position where my back won’t aggravate me, nothing works. And when I stand up from prolonged sitting, it needs to be done slowly and in careful stages; if I try to do it too quickly or all in one motion, I know I’ll wind up shrieking like a little girl with a frog thrust down her blouse.

In the grip of a backache, the simplest movements require exhaustive planning; a field study needs to be made and an action plan drawn up. Stooping to grab a book from a low shelf is no longer the automatic act I’m used to doing. I have to consider the objective and break down in my mind the series of actions I believe myself capable of making. Sometimes the result looks pretty funny, but other times surprisingly graceful as I assume the classic ballet position number two and then perform a slow motion arabesque to retrieve the half-full coffee cup on a low box over in the corner. My legs take up the brunt of the work these days and I find myself doing a lot of squats. I hear that’s good for the glutes. See? There’s some good that comes of everything!

*******

Here’s a theatrical idea I am sure will become an instant Broadway hit: Star Trek: The Musical. I’m not kidding, folks — I’m as serious as a New York heart attack on this one. It would be based on the 1960s Star Trek, not Future Generation or Voyager or any of those others. We’re sticking with the fundamentals, strictly Kirk and crew. I don’t have a story outlined (of course), but I do have some basic ideas, like the Klingons should look like the 1960s Klingons and, when the Enterprise is under attack, the performers throw themselves around on the bridge set just like they did on the TV show. The actors naturally should be made up as close to their original counterparts as possible, and whoever plays Kirk needs to do the most outrageous William Shatner impression possible. Really ham it up. He’ll definitely have a few solos, like Kirk’s Lament with the refrain: Oh Scotty, beam me up! or another song that will go something like: Klingons! Why can’t we get along? Klingons! You’re dark and I am blonde! (all right, that was terrible). And, for the New York production, a special scene will be written for the real William Shatner to play old, caught-in-a-time-warp Kirk having a dialogue with his younger self. And it calls for William Shatner to do his most outrageous William Shatner impression too! Maybe even throw in a few Priceline.com references! Hilarious, right?

So what do you guys think? Is it money? Does it have legs? Any ideas? Anybody know Andrew Lloyd Webber? Let’s roll with this one!

35 Comments:

Blogger :phil: said...

Sounds Illogical Mr Schprock, but it may work. It's no 'Springtime for Hitler'

I have a great casette tape of Leonard Nimoy reciting poetry
"Twinkle twinkle little earth, how I wonder what your worth"

I too have had bouts of back pain, not fun. I liek teh "I’ll wind up shrieking like a little girl with a frog thrust down her blouse."

7:35 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

I've heard that one by Leonard Nimoy, and a few others besides. There's a video on the Internet of his hobbit song. Strong stuff. A slug of whiskey is required before viewing.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

I don't know much about broadway--but if you're in on it Schprock--I'll go see it.
I thought for sure you would have been, "as serious as a BACKACHE..." not a heart attack.
I had one so bad a while back, that I couldn't even get off the floor--my Dad came to visit, there I was-"Hey Dad."
He said he gets them where they feel like someones jabbing a cattle prod in your back if you move a certain way.

10:04 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Cattle prod. Yep, that's about right.

10:21 AM  
Blogger Mrs.T said...

Talk about parallel universes... I just threw out my neck... don't ask how.

Im hopped up on Aleve, also dousing that with large amounts of caffinated beverages just to stay awake through the drug induced parts.

I REALLY hope you feel better soon!!

10:45 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Thanks, Mrs. T.

Of course, telling me not to ask makes me want to ask, but I won't, even though I do.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Chloe said...

My chronic lower back pain is not helped at all by the hilarious blogs I frequent...hours seem to go by at warp speed.

Can we have the actors do interstellar jigs? Funny dances always seem to entertain the audience.

11:40 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

I know of what you speak. I'm out of commission with a sore neck, much less my back. Not sure about the Star Trek idea, but then again, any resurgence of William Shatner is a howl to see. He could also say, "You're fired Scotty" in the refrain, or "Fire phasors!"

11:40 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Interstellar jigs? Yeah, that sounds good. How about we put a bunch of Tribbles down McCoy's pants and see what happens?

Scott, if we could get Bill Shatner to sign on to this, we've got a hit. We'll even let him dramatize "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" to warm the crowd up. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

11:56 AM  
Blogger LC said...

backaches, yes they do suck.

ive noticed your name on a friends site numerous times. figured id check you ok.

lauren



ps..i like your plain, but excellent layout.

12:08 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Thanks Lauren. I wish I could take credit for the layout, but it was the very first one Blogger offered and I took it in my haste. I do like it though — very readable and uncluttered. I only created this blog so I could make a comment on John's blog. Little did I know what an addiction this would turn out to be! Thanks for stopping by.

12:22 PM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I feel your pain. I have back problems all the time. When I sit for too long at my desk, both my legs go numb. Then I get up to walk down the hall, and I start staggering like a polio-inflicted monkey. Muscle relaxants have become my best friends.

1:50 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"…polio-inflicted monkey."

Only you could come up with that! Very visual.

I don't get backaches so often I need to go the muscle-relaxant route. Yet.

2:00 PM  
Blogger John said...

Polio? I thought monkeys could only get the deadly Mutaba virus.

Don't forget the shop-stopping tune "He's dead, Jim"

2:31 PM  
Blogger :phil: said...

Did you know that Whit Bissell was in the trouble with tribbles episode. He is one of my favorite character actors. You've seen him a million times. He usually playa a Doctor or a Senator and often gets 'punk slapped'

2:33 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Don't forget the shop-stopping tune 'He's dead, Jim'"

Oh, yeah! That will be the dream sequence number when McCoy dances on the giant tricoder and Spock is dressed up like the angel Gabriel! That comes right after the scene when Kirk finally strikes out with a woman (song: "My Phaser Didn't Faze Her").

This is starting to come together!

Phil, weren't you the one who brought up Chris Cooper? After that, I suddenly realized I've seen him in every single movie made after 1998. So does Whit Bissell belong in the Character Actor Hall of Fame along with Strother Martin and Harry Dean Stanton?

2:47 PM  
Blogger John said...

"I only created this blog so I could make a comment on John's blog."

In a way, that makes me your daddy.

Or at least your blog's daddy.

3:57 PM  
Blogger trinamick said...

And you work in the same office. Things are starting to seem a little incestuous.

5:29 PM  
Blogger Mrs.T said...

If I could describe the comedy in which I threw my neck out, I could become famous. I wouldn't do it justice. Don't worry, it just included bad head positioning and a very heavy laptop falling onto my head in such a position, of which circumstances you shall remain oblivious to.

6:09 PM  
Blogger LC said...

thanks for the comment back. but one small correction. im 16 soon to be 17, ive been with LP for the last 7 months. so back in feb or so when we started dating,i was 15 1/2. sorry if there was any confusion.

and i too started just to comment, and here i am, with a constant blog.

:)
lauren

7:36 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"In a way, that makes me your daddy."

No, that makes you to blame for all of this. And, Trina, just what are you implying, hmm? There's nothing unseemly going on here in the office. John's and my relationship is strictly professional, although I do like the faraway look he sometimes gets in his eyes, especially in the morning when the light through the window brings out his hazel highlights.


"…and a very heavy laptop falling onto my head in such a position…"

Oh, now Mrs. T, give it a try! Don't leave us hanging! Post! Post!


"…im 16 soon to be 17…"

Sorry about getting your age wrong, Lauren. Please be a regular here, so I can claim at least one teenage girl listens to me! (Lord knows they don't at home…)

4:49 AM  
Blogger :phil: said...

Whit Bissell is the King of character actors, not to be confused with King Donovan. Whit was in I was a teenage Frankenstein (with Mike Landon), the original Invation of the Body Snatchers (he was the doctor the main character was recalling his story to) Seven Days in May, as Senator Whit. Any many, many more.

Chris Cooper is today's Whit!
Strother Martin's best line,
"What we have here is failure to communicate"

6:28 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

I watch Turner Classic Movies and FOX Movie Channel a lot. I'll look out for him.

6:34 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Back pain. I have it nightly and I have no idea why. I'm not a wuss about it, but I have now dreamed of taking a chiropractic lover. =)

Star Wars, the musical. No thanks. Could you imagine what the people attending would look like?

6:36 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Could you imagine what the people attending would look like?"

Wouldn't that be half the attraction though? A major reason why I would like to go to a professional wrestling event would be to check out the fans.

7:15 AM  
Blogger Mr. T said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:17 AM  
Blogger Mr. T said...

Incestous relations in the office?

Mr. Toodlebottom would surely disagree with this sort of behavior. To be sure it will certainly vex Mrs. Toodlebottom to no end. Lets not forget the episode with the flamboyant GI Joe. Poor Mrs. Toodlebottom.

The Star Trek musical idea is SO MONEY
Do you know what those conventions bring in every year? Its enough to make a Frengi(sp?) pant with jealousy. A few guest spots with the original cast are a must.. supplies are limited and offered for a limited time. God Bless Mr. Frost and Mr. Doohan.

GK sparked another follow up musical. Star Wars: The musical!!
Darth Vader could have a lamenting solo as well.. "Its not easy being Sith"

Back pain is a pain in the back-side! *snicker*

8:18 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

I'm glad you're on board with this, Mr. T. And don't worry — there's nothing going on around here that will give Mrs. Toodlebottom the vapors. A Star Wars musical might be just the thing for Bill Murray's "Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars…" I'll get my agent working on it…

8:35 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Now I've got that song stuck in my head. "Star trekking, across the universe. Only going forward cuz we can't find reverse..." Thanks. Thanks a lot.
BTW- I'd pay to see Star Trek The Musical.

Back Pain: Once, when I tried to pick up my nephew that decided to try and run away, I threw out my back. Hurt like hell. But that was years ago. So, I can only vaguely feel your pain.

10:31 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Is it because you're only vaguely feeling my pain the reason why I feel my pain so much?

"I'd pay to see Star Trek The Musical."

Pay to see it? I thought you could be in it! How are you with a phaser? Or a tricorder?

10:37 AM  
Blogger LC said...

i will try to be a regular, as much as possible. parental blocks at home dont allow me to view most of these blogs.

and you can now say that one teenage girl listens.

lauren

1:01 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

God bless you, Lauren!

(Wait ’til my daughters hear about this!)

1:09 PM  
Blogger Chloe said...

Mr.T made me laugh my arse off. My high school physics teacher had teeth like a Ferengi.

Oh God, I've now shared with all the world that I know what a Ferengi is.

6:51 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

A Ferengi? That's an Italian sports car, isn't it?

3:54 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

"I thought you could be in it!"

Woo hoo! I'm gonna be a star!! :D

2:04 PM  

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