Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Movie Review

Howdy pards! Well, the feller at the newspaper asked me to review a movie for you, said he’d give me a hundred dollars to do it. Well, me ’n’ Patch — that’s my horse — we’ve been on the trail purt near two weeks now, eating nothing but beans and cactus, so this money means a bath, a night’s stay at the hotel and some tasty vittles for me and sweet hay for Patch. So I told that feller sure I would. Ain’t seen no movie for six, seven years anyhow, what with them theaters not letting in no horses on account of ordinances and such like. Thought it’d be a treat, and some spending money besides.

Well, let’s see now, this here movie opens up with two cowboys, young fellers, waiting on a job, and they get one too, tending sheep together. Now, that’s beautiful country out there in Wyoming, with a big old mountain by the name of Broken Back or such like, and lots of land to graze the sheep. And these two fellers got to camp right there and watch over them, ’cepting one’s got to pitch his pup tent exactly where the sheep is at night, while the other tends the main camp, cooking up the beans and making coffee and cleaning up. Well, this goes on for a spell, and these two cowboys get to know each other purty well and sorta take a liking to one another, with it so lonesome and there they two are, thrown together like that.

Then one night, when it come time for one cowboy to go off to the pup tent to watch the flock, well, he gets mighty drunk and can’t quite find his feet and winds up sleeping by the fire. So finally he gets cold laying out there when the fire dies down and comes into the tent to join his partner, just to sleep off the rest of the night and then ride out at daybreak. So there them two boys are, just a’laying there, when suddenly one of them grabs the other, and HOLY CHRIST! What the—? Whoa Patch! Down! Down, boy! Why, dang it they don’t commence to act like one of them’s a prize stud bull, wrassling in a way I ain’t hardly seen before! Pardon me, folks, I durn near swallowed my chaw! Jumping Jehosaphat! Right there’s some rough, tough, rootin’ tootin’ man love! Wee haw! Dang!

Well, after that come a lot of mushy stuff, what the ladies might like I expect. These two boys split up when the job gets done and fix themselves up with some gals and have kids and such like. Then out of the blue, one come to visit the other, and then they grab each other really rough and affectionate-like, and one of them puts a lip-lock on the other like he was working a plumber’s friend, and, well, right about there old Patch got mighty jumpy and I found it hard to follow the action after that, but I reckon it kept right on with the mushy stuff once them two boys simmered down.

Well, me ’n’ Patch give it one thumb and one hoof up. There’s some good rodeo scenes, and one of them horses looked a lot like good old Patch. I never knowed boys could be such friends before, and I reckon next time I meet up with my pal Willie Barrows out on the prairie and share a campfire, we got us something more to do than spit and play the harmonica.

35 Comments:

Blogger John said...

At any point in the movie, did either of them say "You know how I know you're gay?"

11:04 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Were either of them named Mark, Rick, or Steve?

Great review, BTW. That reminds me of a joke. This young guy buys a ranch, and heads out to scout the property. He's riding the fence line when he meets up with an old guy in dirty overalls, looking pretty scroungy.

The young man introduces himself, and the older man does the same, explaining that he owns the adjoining property. He tells the young man, "Since you're new to the area, you really should come to a party at my place tonight. There's going to be some great food, lots of booze, and the wildest sex you can imagine."

The young man thinks about this and finally says, "Well, I guess that sounds like fun. What should I wear?" The old man responds, "It doesn't really matter. It's just going to be you and me."

11:32 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"At any point in the movie, did either of them say 'You know how I know you're gay?'"

Yes! And then he says, "Because you knew I was wearing last year's spurs."


"The young man thinks about this and finally says, 'Well, I guess that sounds like fun. What should I wear?' The old man responds, 'It doesn't really matter. It's just going to be you and me.'"

Did you say this was a joke? One lonely man reaching out to another is somehow . . . funny? I need closure on this story! Does the young man take the older man up on his generous offer?

12:06 PM  
Blogger Irb said...

Sigh. I wish I knew how to quit you, Mr. Schprock.

12:09 PM  
Blogger John said...

"Sigh. I wish I knew how to quit you, Mr. Schprock."

Try the Schprock Patch™. I've been on it for two weeks, and already I don't long for his gentle yet firm touch.
Thanks, Schprock Patch™!

12:14 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Sigh. I wish I knew how to quit you, Mr. Schprock."

Yep. I reckon. (looks off) (squints eyes a little more)


"The Schprock Patch™." Not sold without a prescription. Side effects include quivering upper lip and explosive diarrhea.

12:21 PM  
Blogger LL said...

Well crap... now you've wrecked the show for me... No sense in seeing it now.

I thought for sure there would'a been this little score of dialogue though...

"Hey pard, if'n you went campin' and woke up with'n yer pants around yer ankles and yer ass greased up, would ya tell anyone?"
"No... don' reckon I would."
"Ok! Ya wants to go campin?"

1:57 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Hey pard, if'n you went campin' and woke up with'n yer pants around yer ankles and yer ass greased up, would ya tell anyone?"
"No... don' reckon I would."
"Ok! Ya wants to go campin?"

Oh, man, LL. I just recovered my breath from laughing. You are too much! Good stuff.

So, um (clears throat) . . . what do you think about, you know, camping?

5:52 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

Christ, Schprock! If I were a religious man, I'd say you were going to hell for that one!

But I ain't, so I'll just say...

God DAMN! that was funny!

And, judging by everyone else's comments, I must be the only one here who hasn't seen it...except for Lord Loser.

6:35 PM  
Blogger boo said...

i have yet to see it but what did u REALLY think about it?

8:15 PM  
Blogger Claire said...

Okay, That was a great review, and a great laugh, which I needed this morning. Damn, I'm not a morning person!

5:06 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Christ, Schprock! If I were a religious man, I'd say you were going to hell for that one!"

Well, I wouldn't be lonely there, would I?


"i have yet to see it but what did u REALLY think about it?"

Boo, I really did like it. The following day my mind kept casting back to it, replaying scenes from it in my head. We have gay marriage in Massachusetts and I have always supported it. I believe some people are genetically predisposed to homosexuality and have a right to find love and build a life with their partner like anyone else. Having said that, I do have to confess I squirmed a bit during some scenes in the film. Brokeback Mountain is a complicated and tragic movie and probably should be seen twice to understand it more fully. Although it's not for everyone, I recommend it.

5:14 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Okay, That was a great review, and a great laugh, which I needed this morning. Damn, I'm not a morning person!"

Pleased to oblige, ma'am.

5:17 AM  
Blogger LL said...

No Farrago... I haven't seen it.

And thanks Schprock, but I'm not much into "camping"... :P

6:50 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"And thanks Schprock, but I'm not much into "camping"... :P"

Dang…

6:59 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Nice review, Mr. Schprock. Did you do any acting back in school? I like the way you can write in character.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

And I think I need to see it again, too. A friend of mine hated it because she didn't think there was enough character development to warrant them falling in love. I told her that they just didn't show the month or however long leading up to that fateful night.

8:27 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"A friend of mine hated it because she didn't think there was enough character development to warrant them falling in love. I told her that they just didn't show the month or however long leading up to that fateful night."

I understand your friend's criticism. I went into the movie braced for some fairly explicit "man love," so I was waiting for it to happen. But, say, if I didn't know anything about the movie, I think the sudden torrent of passion would have knocked me out of my seat, so unexpected it would seem. That was some pretty strong stuff without a whole lot of sexual tension build-up.

however, one part I thought was effective was when you saw Ennis bathing himself just past the tight shot of Jack's face, and how Jack almost studiously not looked at him, his eyes unwaveringly kept straight ahead. That made me think, hmmmm…

Do you think Jack's wife believed the story she told Ennis? Or was she part of concocting it? In any case, it was remarkable how dry-eyed she was.

8:51 AM  
Blogger boo said...

i can't wait to see it & report back to u. maybe next week when i'm better & can get out of the house.

9:25 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I haven't seen it, nor do I intend to. I already have to deal with enough "couples" in the restaurant groping each other and playing tonsil hockey. I don't need to see anyone doing that.

11:19 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"i can't wait to see it & report back to u. maybe next week when i'm better & can get out of the house."

I look forward to hearing your opinion and hope you're feeling fine soon, Boo.


"I haven't seen it, nor do I intend to. I already have to deal with enough 'couples' in the restaurant groping each other and playing tonsil hockey. I don't need to see anyone doing that."

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

11:45 AM  
Blogger LL said...

*insert raised eyebrow smilie here*

11:58 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

So.. what movie was this?

12:58 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"City Slickers: The Director's Cut"

1:31 PM  
Blogger trinamick said...

OMG, just thinking of Jack Palance cozying up to Jon Lovitz gave me full body shivers. Mental clorox, anyone?

2:16 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Ok, ok, I'll see the movie. But what really bothers me is that any movie about gay activity whatsover automatically gets the Oscar nod.

5:25 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

Yeah. And those bestiality movies are treated as if they were never made. I think the love Wallace has for Gromit is truly inspiring. And don't you just believe Gromit would do anything for Wallace? And I mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G...

8:11 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

" But what really bothers me is that any movie about gay activity whatsover automatically gets the Oscar nod."

EXACTLY. I'm curious about the movie enough to see it, but why does this movie have to have an Oscar nomination? They use words like "courageous" and "honest" to describe the movie and the actors in it. I think that could be true of a lot of movies out there.

I think if two women got it on hot and heavy in a movie, like these two guys did, they'd call it....."porn". And maybe not so much with the Oscar nomination. Meh. Maybe I'm wrong.

3:13 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

No, I don't think Jack's wife believed the story at all. That was the part of the movie that got me the worst. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest.

5:16 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"OMG, just thinking of Jack Palance cozying up to Jon Lovitz gave me full body shivers. Mental clorox, anyone?"

All right — I just imagined Jack Palance dressed up like Queen Elizabeth. Wherever that came from I don't know, but I need it to stop!

"Ok, ok, I'll see the movie. But what really bothers me is that any movie about gay activity whatsover automatically gets the Oscar nod."

Lemmee tell ya, if straight guys can kiss like that, they each deserve Best Actor. That's dedication to your craft.

"I think the love Wallace has for Gromit is truly inspiring."

What about that which Bert has for Ernie? Surely those two push their twin beds together at night. What's so wrong about muppet love?

"I think if two women got it on hot and heavy in a movie, like these two guys did, they'd call it.....'porn'."

No, they'd call it "box office gold."


"No, I don't think Jack's wife believed the story at all. That was the part of the movie that got me the worst. I felt like I had been kicked in the chest."

I think you're right. Man, that was cold, wasn't it?

6:03 AM  
Blogger John said...

The Academy does love the gay stuff. Which is why I plan on writing, directing and starring in a sure-fire Academy Award winning movie about Oscar Grabbe, an autistic homosexual living in the 1800s. It'll sweep the Oscars!

7:14 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

John - You're damn straight it will. Er, I mean... Well, you know what I meant.

7:30 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Which is why I plan on writing, directing and starring in a sure-fire Academy Award winning movie about Oscar Grabbe, an autistic homosexual living in the 1800s."

Writing, directing and starring, yes — but what about dancing and singing? And perhaps prancing?

8:57 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

You probably won't even see this comment, but I wanted you to know I read your review. It gave me quit a chuckle. I also read the comments.

I'm always disheartened by people who flat out won't see it because it's a gay flick. Makes me throw up in my mouth a little. You want the world to be a better place.

5:24 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

I saw the comment and I think you're right, Beth.

5:55 AM  

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