Movie Review

Howdy pards! Well, the feller at the newspaper asked me to review a movie for you, said he’d give me a hundred dollars to do it. Well, me ’n’ Patch — that’s my horse — we’ve been on the trail purt near two weeks now, eating nothing but beans and cactus, so this money means a bath, a night’s stay at the hotel and some tasty vittles for me and sweet hay for Patch. So I told that feller sure I would. Ain’t seen no movie for six, seven years anyhow, what with them theaters not letting in no horses on account of ordinances and such like. Thought it’d be a treat, and some spending money besides.

Well, let’s see now, this here movie opens up with two cowboys, young fellers, waiting on a job, and they get one too, tending sheep together. Now, that’s beautiful country out there in Wyoming, with a big old mountain by the name of Broken Back or such like, and lots of land to graze the sheep. And these two fellers got to camp right there and watch over them, ’cepting one’s got to pitch his pup tent exactly where the sheep is at night, while the other tends the main camp, cooking up the beans and making coffee and cleaning up. Well, this goes on for a spell, and these two cowboys get to know each other purty well and sorta take a liking to one another, with it so lonesome and there they two are, thrown together like that.

Then one night, when it come time for one cowboy to go off to the pup tent to watch the flock, well, he gets mighty drunk and can’t quite find his feet and winds up sleeping by the fire. So finally he gets cold laying out there when the fire dies down and comes into the tent to join his partner, just to sleep off the rest of the night and then ride out at daybreak. So there them two boys are, just a’laying there, when suddenly one of them grabs the other, and HOLY CHRIST! What the—? Whoa Patch! Down! Down, boy! Why, dang it they don’t commence to act like one of them’s a prize stud bull, wrassling in a way I ain’t hardly seen before! Pardon me, folks, I durn near swallowed my chaw! Jumping Jehosaphat! Right there’s some rough, tough, rootin’ tootin’ man love! Wee haw! Dang!

Well, after that come a lot of mushy stuff, what the ladies might like I expect. These two boys split up when the job gets done and fix themselves up with some gals and have kids and such like. Then out of the blue, one come to visit the other, and then they grab each other really rough and affectionate-like, and one of them puts a lip-lock on the other like he was working a plumber’s friend, and, well, right about there old Patch got mighty jumpy and I found it hard to follow the action after that, but I reckon it kept right on with the mushy stuff once them two boys simmered down.

Well, me ’n’ Patch give it one thumb and one hoof up. There’s some good rodeo scenes, and one of them horses looked a lot like good old Patch. I never knowed boys could be such friends before, and I reckon next time I meet up with my pal Willie Barrows out on the prairie and share a campfire, we got us something more to do than spit and play the harmonica.