The Coolest Guy Ever
Turner Classic Movies is featuring Oscar winning films this month. Last night, just as I was planning to hit the hay long about 10:00, I noticed Casablanca was coming up next. Well, thought I, no harm in catching a half hour or so before turning in. Right. Fat chance of that. Even though I’ve already watched Casablanca too many times to count, after five minutes I was hooked. I could no more get out of my chair than that poor woman whose husband Krazy Glued her butt to a toilet seat. What a story! What a cast! What a script! (written, BTW, by Red Sox GM Theo Epstein’s great-uncles!)
Has there ever been a leading man cooler than Humphrey Bogart? A rhetorical question, of course. That’s because Humphrey Bogart was so cool, he could handle being called Humphrey Bogart — who else could pull off a name like that? Can you? On your best day? And he was married to the prettiest dame in show business, Lauren Bacall. Let me ask you: what leading man today is even fit to carry Bogie’s ashtray? Come on, who? Brad Pitt? Harrison Ford? Tom Cruise? Yeah, right. Maybe Clint Eastwood, back in his prime, could have been Bogart’s chauffeur or something. Humphrey Bogart out-cools cool. He’s cool to the power of ten. He’s so cool, cool has to pay him rent. One time, Humphrey Bogart and cool were in the same room, and cool had to leave ’cause it heard its momma calling. Humphrey Bogart is so cool, if he ever went one on one with James Bond, he’d roll James Bond up and smoke him like a Chesterfield. Bogey is so cool, when he was born, he slapped the doctor unconscious and went to Vegas with the nurse. Einstein once proved nothing could be cooler than Humphrey Bogart. Humphrey Bogart is so cool, he appears as coolonium on the periodic table…
Everybody agrees with me, right? Well, help me out here . . . how cool is Humphrey Bogart?