Wednesday, April 05, 2006

My Swift Response to the Urgent Email

I just sent this off this morning. What does everyone think? Am I doing the right thing?

Dear Mr. Kaseem,

First, I want to let you know how touched I am by your generosity and your true altruism. It is easy to be cynical in days such as these, so receiving that email from you has helped improve the generally low regard I have had for my fellow man. It is a shame it took a terminal illness to shape the high-minded outlook you have now, but I think your newfound philanthropic approach has given your abbreviated life a fullness many who live into their 80s and 90s may never experience. I must confess that as I read your missive over and over, my heart filled to bursting and I wept. God bless you, Mr. Kaseem!

I have thought over what you want me to do, and, as I too am interested in doing good works on this earth to assure my immortal soul’s passage into heaven, I will decline your kind offer of 10% of the 18 million for facilitating these transactions and will do all you ask for free. Your example is like a beacon in the night to me; my conscience will not allow those worthy charities to be denied a single cent of the money you mean to have put toward the betterment of mankind. I ask you in advance to please not try to talk me out of this. Being a saintly person yourself, I’m sure you understand.

Mr. Kaseem, I must admit I’m intrigued by a certain question which I would like to put to you: as I am assisting you in your benevolent acts, would this mean that my soul — may it prove worthy! — be destined for your religion’s version of heaven? And, if so, is your religion the one that promises the 70 virgins awaiting the righteous man after he’s shuffled off this mortal coil? See, what I particularly want to know is, do they necessarily have to be virgins? Because, if you don’t mind, I would prefer the women who are set aside for me to be more experienced. I figure this shouldn’t present too much of a problem, as I suppose virgins must be running in short supply with all those suicide bombers claiming them every day. I mean, I could lie to you and say I’m just doing my bit, selflessly leaving the virgins for the more deserving, but the plain fact is, I want 70 women who know what they’re doing.

Anyway, please let me know exactly what you want me to do. Be sure to tell me if you need my bank or credit card information so I can have it ready. And once again: God bless you, Mr. Kaseem!

Devotedly,
Mr. Schprock

20 Comments:

Blogger LL said...

:spew:

There's just one problem I can see...

Not enough misspelled words. You should have used the word "vergins".

But alas, all we can do is wait and see if your true spirit of giving is rewarded.

6:56 AM  
Blogger Erica said...

Ah, Mr. Schprock. You will indeed be entitled to the 70 experienced women. They may be sporting a fine thick pelt on their upper lips AND their thighs, but experienced they are. Oh yes.

Hey, check this site out for a laugh: 419 Eater

It's a site where people scam the scammers. Most entertaining!

7:17 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

HILARIOUS!!! Did you really send it? I can't wait for the response.

7:27 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Mr. Schprock -

Don't you know all sullied women go straight to hell for being such naughty little wenches? Only the ugly pimpled mean gals who couldn't get any on earth are awaiting the martyred worthy, so you may as well go the other way and get what you want free of any religious affiliation.

Plus, with that 10% you'll be rich, and you'll be able to get any damned gal you want!

7:34 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"But alas, all we can do is wait and see if your true spirit of giving is rewarded."

And waiting is truly the hardest part.


"They may be sporting a fine thick pelt on their upper lips AND their thighs, but experienced they are. Oh yes."

All the better to keep me warm up in heaven…


"HILARIOUS!!! Did you really send it? I can't wait for the response."

Of course! Wouldn't you?


"Don't you know all sullied women go straight to hell for being such naughty little wenches?"

How about the ones who are just a little sullied? That's all I want.

7:56 AM  
Anonymous dreadmouse said...

That's so wonderfully heartfelt, I actually had to wipe tears away as I read it. What a champion of humanity you are, Herr Schprock! How fortunate for that poor, dying millionaire that his random email happened to reach somebody so giving and kind as yourself.

8:20 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"How fortunate for that poor, dying millionaire that his random email happened to reach somebody so giving and kind as yourself."

It makes you believe in fate, doesn't it?

8:41 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

You truly have a kind soul, schprockie. I mean, it's not anyone who would give up 70 Virginians. LL sure wouldn't. Maybe you'll get 70 California girls. Mr. Roth recommends them.

9:38 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"You truly have a kind soul, schprockie. I mean, it's not anyone who would give up 70 Virginians. LL sure wouldn't. Maybe you'll get 70 California girls. Mr. Roth recommends them."

Do you mean Ayatollah Roth? I avidly follow his teachings! Truly, I wish they all could be California girls.

9:51 AM  
Blogger Wordnerd said...

I can't wait to hear how much money you get! This is exciting!

11:37 AM  
Blogger Farrago said...

What's the deal with the 17 - or 70 - virgins? I mean, you do with them what you want to do, and then they're not virgins any more, right? I think I'd go through (sorry, no pun intended...)17 in a matter of a day or two, 70 might take a week, but then what?

It's kinda like the thrill of buying a new car. After you've driven it for a week and you look at the odometer, you realize that no matter how new it is, it's only "brand new" for a few hours.

So I'm with Schprock. Slightly used and adventurous for me!

1:49 PM  
Blogger tiff said...

All ladies are only EVER slightly used. We're flexible like that.

2:17 PM  
Blogger LL said...

" I mean, it's not anyone who would give up 70 Virginians. LL sure wouldn't."

I'm shocked, and appalled. How can anyone give up a gift and not slight the giver? You took the earrings, didn't you? :P

2:28 PM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Thank god it wasn't 70 pairs. :P

2:36 PM  
Blogger boo said...

i personally prefer a more experienced lover as well :)

4:20 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

This was freaking hilarious! You are a forward thinking guy Mr. Schprock. You are going to have so much fun in the after life.

5:16 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Freaking HI LAR I OUS!

3:46 PM  
Blogger :phil: said...

Damn! Why didn't I think of this?
Good reply, maybe you could get like a 35/35 split

10:09 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Right, Phil. Maybe the sullied women could teach the virgins.

10:15 AM  
Anonymous mike psg said...

there once was a woman who found an injured snake lying on the ground. The woman took the snake home and nursed it back to health. One day, the snake bit the woman on the cheek. As the woman lay dying on the floor she asked the snake, "Why have you done this to me after all I have done?" "Look Bitch," the snake replied, "you knew I was a snake!"

in conclusion, I would have asked for 80%!

9:15 AM  

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