L'Oeuf Craqué

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for visiting my blog. Today’s post is truly groundbreaking, for this morning, here on stage at Boston’s famed Hatch Shell, I will perform my blog entry through the magic of interpretive dance. I will describe for you, without words, my breakfast. I entitle it, L'Oeuf Craqué, which is French for “The Cracked Egg.” I will tell my story from the point of view of the egg.

Before I begin, a few words of acknowledgment. I would like to thank Madame Tortue for her weeks of patient instruction — without her, this post would be impossible. I am indeed indebted to Leotard House for my costume and Mister Gigi for styling my hair. I am extremely grateful to James Levine and the Boston Symphony Orchestra — all of them assembled behind me — and the inestimable John Williams for composing the score for L'Oeuf Craqué.

The ostriches for the egg dream sequence were furnished by Buck’s Wild Animal Farm of Nashua, New Hampshire. The trained elephants are on loan from Barnum and Bailey. The howitzers were supplied by the Massachusetts National Guard.

And now — L'Oeuf Craqué.

However, before I begin, I must point out that the use of any kind of recording device, video or audio, is not permitted. I especially object to flash photography for safety reasons. Certainly it would upset the mountain lions in Act III, La Danse des Secoueurs de Sel et Poivre, or “The Dance of the Salt and Pepper Shakers.”

Thank you very much for your kind cooperation.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, L'Oeuf Craqué.

This dance will be in three acts, by the way. We will begin with Act I, Eau Bouillant, or “Boiling Water.”

Maestro, please.

It may interest the audience to know that I prepared for this by spending an entire day alone in my room with an egg.

I must beg from all of you your undivided attention as I begin L'Oeuf Craqué.

There will be an intermission between the second and third acts.

L'Oeuf Craqué.

Beginning now.



Performance Artist Wrenches Back

(BOSTON) A middle-aged man calling himself Mr. Schprock used the Hatch Shell amphitheater, without city permission, to perform an interpretive dance mystified onlookers believe was called “Loaf Crack.” The slender man, appearing in tight purple leotards and feathered headdress, introduced street musician Willie “Sterno” Williams as the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and claimed two stray dogs sleeping on stage were really trained elephants.

Before police could arrive, Mr. Schprock wrenched his back shortly after beginning his dance and lay spread-eagle on the stage floor.

“He said, ‘my god . . . my god . . . the wretched pain . . . kill me now . . .’” one witness quoted him as saying.

In his rambling introduction, Mr. Schprock called his performance a “groundbreaking blog post,” causing most observers to scratch their heads.

The “artist” is resting comfortably at Massachusetts General Hospital. City officials will likely not press charges.