Wednesday, June 28, 2006

L'Oeuf Craqué

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for visiting my blog. Today’s post is truly groundbreaking, for this morning, here on stage at Boston’s famed Hatch Shell, I will perform my blog entry through the magic of interpretive dance. I will describe for you, without words, my breakfast. I entitle it, L'Oeuf Craqué, which is French for “The Cracked Egg.” I will tell my story from the point of view of the egg.

Before I begin, a few words of acknowledgment. I would like to thank Madame Tortue for her weeks of patient instruction — without her, this post would be impossible. I am indeed indebted to Leotard House for my costume and Mister Gigi for styling my hair. I am extremely grateful to James Levine and the Boston Symphony Orchestra — all of them assembled behind me — and the inestimable John Williams for composing the score for L'Oeuf Craqué.

The ostriches for the egg dream sequence were furnished by Buck’s Wild Animal Farm of Nashua, New Hampshire. The trained elephants are on loan from Barnum and Bailey. The howitzers were supplied by the Massachusetts National Guard.

And now — L'Oeuf Craqué.

However, before I begin, I must point out that the use of any kind of recording device, video or audio, is not permitted. I especially object to flash photography for safety reasons. Certainly it would upset the mountain lions in Act III, La Danse des Secoueurs de Sel et Poivre, or “The Dance of the Salt and Pepper Shakers.”

Thank you very much for your kind cooperation.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen, L'Oeuf Craqué.

This dance will be in three acts, by the way. We will begin with Act I, Eau Bouillant, or “Boiling Water.”

Maestro, please.

It may interest the audience to know that I prepared for this by spending an entire day alone in my room with an egg.

I must beg from all of you your undivided attention as I begin L'Oeuf Craqué.

There will be an intermission between the second and third acts.

L'Oeuf Craqué.

Beginning now.

Performance Artist Wrenches Back

(BOSTON) A middle-aged man calling himself Mr. Schprock used the Hatch Shell amphitheater, without city permission, to perform an interpretive dance mystified onlookers believe was called “Loaf Crack.” The slender man, appearing in tight purple leotards and feathered headdress, introduced street musician Willie “Sterno” Williams as the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and claimed two stray dogs sleeping on stage were really trained elephants.

Before police could arrive, Mr. Schprock wrenched his back shortly after beginning his dance and lay spread-eagle on the stage floor.

“He said, ‘my god . . . my god . . . the wretched pain . . . kill me now . . .’” one witness quoted him as saying.

In his rambling introduction, Mr. Schprock called his performance a “groundbreaking blog post,” causing most observers to scratch their heads.

The “artist” is resting comfortably at Massachusetts General Hospital. City officials will likely not press charges.


Blogger Kathleen said...

Ooooh, your poor back! No more interpretive dance for you, young man.

I thought I noticed a bit of Jasper Fforde channeling there.

6:40 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I thought I noticed a bit of Jasper Fforde channeling there."

Certainly with the egg theme!

6:46 AM  
Blogger LL said...

Damn... a worthy performance cut down in the prime of it's existence. Is there no justice in the world?

Remember kids, always stretch well before you dawn a purple leotard.

6:49 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Or any other color leotard for that matter.

6:56 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

"L'Schprock Bacque Craque", now playing at the Hatch Shell.

7:26 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

One performance only!

7:35 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and return to the stage for an encore worthy of a dozen cracked eggs.

What next, "Le Cracked Nuts"?

Wait, that's already been done.

8:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Owwwww! Feel better! And we demand pictures of you in the purple leotard.

9:53 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I always pictured you for the feathered headdress sort.

At least you didn't simulate being born. I saw that once, and I haven't been the same since.

12:33 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"What next, 'Le Cracked Nuts'?

"Wait, that's already been done."

Yes, I did The Nut Cracker Sweet last year at about this time.

"And we demand pictures of you in the purple leotard."

There are pictures, but my position was a bit, uh, embarrassing.

"At least you didn't simulate being born. I saw that once, and I haven't been the same since."

Thanks, Trina, you've just given me an idea.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Flood said...

P-E-T-A will not be happy about what you did to the c-h-i-c-k-e-n's baby.

I spelled it out 'cause I have some oeufs that need some craquer nearby.

1:06 PM  
Blogger boo said...

u had me @ "spread-eagle"

9:13 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

I hate it when the mountains lions get agitated. I think they make an arisol spray for that, if you're so inclined.

Ben O.

9:58 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"P-E-T-A will not be happy about what you did to the c-h-i-c-k-e-n's baby."

Now, now — this was an unfertilized egg we're talking about.

"u had me @ 'spread-eagle'"

Me in tight purple leotards spread-eagled on the ground is not a pretty sight. Trust me.

"I hate it when the mountains lions get agitated. I think they make an arisol spray for that, if you're so inclined."

Oh, we had several cans of "Lion Be Gone" at the ready.

4:39 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

This is classic Schprock! Sorry it took me so long to comment. I've been insane since I got the news. Now I'm scrubbing my blog of old posts that refer to things I don't want to share with the world. Maybe I'll go public with a bio when this story is published. I'd have to get rid of some embarassing content though, like all references to family drug habits, anything I wouldn't want my neighbors to know. Isn't that most everything?

6:59 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Oh, and this was extra funny because I always sing "Love Crack" instead of "Love Shack"

7:01 AM  

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