Thursday, July 20, 2006

An Arm and a Leg

In 1999, a human kidney was put up for sale on eBay (as many of you may know, our bodies can get along fine with just one). The bidding was up to 5.7 million before eBay finally put a halt to it. And that makes me wonder…

As with most Americans, the missus and I are in debt up to our eyeballs — that’s right, I said it, “up to our eyeballs.” We own several properties with some pretty hefty mortgages on them, we’ve got one kid in college and another one on the way, we sometimes get a little too casual with our credit cards, we have things breaking down that need fixing, and I’ve got this nasty habit of buying expensive Impressionist paintings for use as decorative place mats. So this leads to my question: just how much is an eyeball worth? I’ve got two. If you ask me, depth perception is way overrated. Could I pay off a couple of mortgages with an eyeball? Or four years of college at least?

What body parts would you be willing to sell and what prices would they bring? Kidneys are the easiest and, as I’ve mentioned, an eyeball makes sense. What about your little toe or the cochlea of your left ear or several feet of intestine? What sort of prices would those fetch? Or how about a lung? Lungs must be worth something. There must be lots of people who would shell out a lot of dough for a lung. My lungs are top notch. I’ve got lung capacity like you wouldn’t believe. Maybe there’s a store out there called Lungworld that deals in lungs and lung-related items. Come on down to Lungworld and see what we’ve got! We’re practically giving them away!

Hmmmm…

Anyway, to continue along in this incredibly morbid vein, here is a very odd thought that struck me this morning as I changed my cat’s litter box. So help me God I really thought this. I wondered if I could, to save the lives of my family, eat dirty kitty litter. Let’s say someone like the Kevin Spacey character from the movie Seven breaks into my house, ties up my family, and makes a deal that if I eat a certain quantity of dirty, stinky kitty litter — you know, the kind with that really pronounced ammonia-urine odor that makes you want to turn your head and go “Whew!” — in a certain period of time, he would release my family unharmed. I honestly don’t know if I could do it. Could you?

Okay, okay, that was weird — the next post will be much nicer, I promise.

24 Comments:

Blogger Beth said...

Omg, all of that was freaking hysterical. I would definitely part with a kidney. My hubby has already asked for me to look into selling one of his. I am amazed by your ebay factoid. Is that true?

Dirty kitty litter. Hmmm. I mean, everyone says they could do anything to save their family and yes, in that moment, something primal would kick in and BAM, you'd be hunkering down on some nasty chow ... but now with Kevin Spacey miles away (and playing Lex Luthor at the local drive-in), I just have to say BLECH!

5:56 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I am amazed by your ebay factoid. Is that true?"

That's what the article I read claims. 5.7 million dollars is a lot of money, isn't it?

6:25 AM  
Blogger LL said...

Hmmm... I think I could part with every third hair on my head. How much will you give me? Anyone? Anyone?

I don't think 5.7 mill is all that much for a kidney. There is a limited supply out there.

6:50 AM  
Blogger Flood said...

I think about all kindsa wacky things I would be forced to do if a crazed serial killer walked in. This is why I carry a machete with me at all times.

I don't think I could eat the cat litter.

As for body parts, I would sell all my collagen for the fancy ladies to get injections.

8:10 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I don't think 5.7 mill is all that much for a kidney. There is a limited supply out there."

At the Discount Used Kidney Outlet you can get one for 4 mil. Only one owner.


"As for body parts, I would sell all my collagen for the fancy ladies to get injections."

That makes me think of Fight Club for some odd reason. Not the same thing, I know.

8:14 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I'd give up a kidney. Maybe a piece of my liver. Anyone want my spleen? Trade you my gut for a six pack.

But I won't eat dirty kitty litter. My family will have to save themselves.

8:22 AM  
Blogger magnetbabe said...

Wow. A peek inside the mind of Mr. Schprock. Fascinating and horrifying all at once.

I would sell a kidney or a liver piece. I think the best way to go about it is to get a team of people together, where one person sells the kidney, liver, pinky toe, whatever and takes a majority of the money and then gives the other people in the team some more of the money under the condition (legally bound of course) that if the single kidney person ever has failure one of the other people have to give him/her one of theirs. Like a round robin thing where you are insured to not die from giving up one of your kidneys. Okay, I put way too much thought into that.

8:31 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

"We’ve got one kid in college and another one on the way"

Congratulations on the new addition soon to be here. Is your wife happy?

Oh, you meant on the way to college...

8:35 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Trade you my gut for a six pack."

(rimshot)

"Congratulations on the new addition soon to be here. Is your wife happy?"

There's only one kind of new addition that would make my wife happy, and it requires a blueprint and lots of lumber.


"Wow. A peek inside the mind of Mr. Schprock. Fascinating and horrifying all at once."

Funny, that's what my shrink said.


"Okay, I put way too much thought into that."

Not at all. I think you're onto something there.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

I think I could turn the brain off long enough to eat anything to save my family, and I think you could too. There is no amount of money in the world that would make me carve off a single part of my anatomy however.

I like this sick side of you Mr. Schprock!

9:21 AM  
Blogger SzélsőFa said...

Thats what I call spinning ! -
Giving away organs: I, as far as I can, always give blood. In recent years, however, I was kept banned from doing so, due to my low level of haemoglobin and/or iron. I would gladly give away ANY of my organs if that SURELY saves life to one of my close relatives. I would NOT give anything for money.
Eating cat-litter? Our cat lives in the garden, so we have no litter in the house.
And our house is monitored. If a robber comes in I just push the panic-button and quick they come to rescue us - in the meantime we grab our axes and knifes and fight.

9:31 AM  
Blogger Shatterfist said...

I'll keep my organs, thank you - and I'd be dubious of anyone who buys human organs online. Actually, they don't even have to be *human* organs!

9:46 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I like this sick side of you Mr. Schprock!"

I'm shocked, shocked you should think so!

And pleased.


"And our house is monitored. If a robber comes in I just push the panic-button and quick they come to rescue us - in the meantime we grab our axes and knifes and fight."

Not in Boston are the police that quick. We'd need axes, knives, baseball bats and rocket launchers to hold the bad guys off that long!

"Actually, they don't even have to be *human* organs!"

True — I know of someone who has a pig's valve in his heart.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous Mike PSG said...

I would sell Hammel's spine for a sum of no less than $2.56 Million pesos and I would buy him a really cool wheelchair like Stephen Hawking has, complete with powerbook g4 computer so he can keep on working, no rest for the weak spined!

12:25 PM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

I once considered selling my eggs. Why would I need them? I'm never going to have kids.
And of course I have all the fat needed to plump half the kissers in Hollywood.
As for the kitty litter... umm I'm going to have to say no. And I do not want the Universe to take that as a challange and put me into a situation where I would have the opportunity to find out what I really would do. But I'm not surprised that cleaning the kitty box brought out your dark side. Litter boxes are gross. They don't make you think about sunshine and light, do they?

12:29 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Mike from PSG, that's the funniest damn thing I've heard in a long time!


"Litter boxes are gross. They don't make you think about sunshine and light, do they?"

Someday I hope they genetically engineer cats so we'll never need litter boxes again.

12:49 PM  
Blogger SzélsőFa said...

They are quick, because they are not the police but a private company. And I also have to admit that up so fer - knock on wood - I did not have to use it. We pushed the button accidentally twice and they were here within 10-15 minutes.
And I'm planning to take on martial arts lessons in the future :)))

1:01 PM  
Blogger Wordnerd said...

You weren't kidding when you mentioned that soul-transplant over at my site, were you?

I'd part with just about anything for money. I'm just like that.

I would not, could not, eat the cat litter. I can't even own cat litter. Or, for that matter, a cat.

4:32 PM  
Blogger Tracie said...

I really don't think that I could eat kitty litter...nope, just couldn't do it. But here are lots of other things that I would be persuaded to do for large sums of money...maybe sell a kidney-is anyone in the market??

5:35 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I'd part with just about anything for money. I'm just like that."

May I inform the Prince of Darkness that your eternal soul is up for grabs then?



"...maybe sell a kidney-is anyone in the market??"

I do believe kidneys are in pretty high demand, Tracie. Let me know how much yours brings in.

4:54 AM  
Blogger John said...

There's no way I'm eating kitty litter, thank you. But fear not, family, I'd counter the Se7en guy with a double-dog-dare, and if needed, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

6:17 AM  
Blogger Flood said...

Speaking of genetically engineered cats, I've been wondering lately why they've yet to come up with goldfish that can survive in chlorine. It would be fun to chase them around the pool.

8:50 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Lotsa traffic with this question!

I would sell the following:
The second chin
The love handles
The cankles

Cheap!

Anyone need a fat graft? Gotcha covered there too.

I would totally eat nasty kitty litter if someone was going to hurt my kids if I didn't.....but the husband I'd have to negotiate for, ya know?

11:03 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Schprockie - Please don't drink before blogging. I almost puked up my Cheerios. I've offered my kidney to someone who needed one, so I would donate it. I don't think I'd sell it, as it seems particularly tacky to make money off someone else's pain and suffering.

I use the crystal kitty litter which I think could kill you w/o the added attraction of urine and cat feces.

4:49 AM  

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