Friday, January 26, 2007

Exploring My Feminine Side

The other day, as an experiment, I thought I’d stop repressing my feminine side for 24 hours and actually let it call the shots. All my life my masculine side has had its way, so, in the interest of fairness, I decided the considerate thing to do was to give my feminine side its one day in the sun. Why the hell not, right? Read on, gentlemen, and as you do, I ask you to think twice before trying such a thing yourself.

When I woke up that morning, my feminine side inspected my face in the bathroom mirror and decided it didn’t like those bags under my eyes, so it obsessed about them for 10 minutes while I argued my eyes looked just fine. Finally, my feminine side declared it didn’t care any longer, and people would just have to love me for my mind instead, which sounded all right to me. Then I changed into my cycling clothes (I commute to work by bike every day), which meant I put on a pair of those black, stretchy tights used for the cold weather. My feminine side insisted I review myself before a full length mirror before I left the house looking that way. I said it didn’t matter, because that was what I was going to wear, like it or not, but my feminine side insisted. So I walked into my daughter’s room and let my feminine side have a good look at myself in her mirror. My feminine side wondered if the tights made me look fat. I said, “Fat! I’m skinny as a rail!” “Really?” asked my feminine side, suddenly sounding rather pleased. “Do you think so?” “Oh, for Christ’s sake, let’s get out of here,” I said.

Of course, I couldn’t leave without going to the bathroom one last time, because my feminine side didn’t want to get caught outside and suddenly have to go pee without a restroom handy. Eventually I hopped on my bike and pedaled into work.

Arriving, I showered and changed into my work clothes. My feminine side wondered if I had ever heard of an iron, and who picked my wardrobe out for me anyway, Stevie Wonder? I said, very funny, and thanked it for not asking why I don’t use conditioner. Then I went to my office and my feminine side asked how could I work in such clutter and hadn’t I heard of feng shui? I said, no, but I’ve heard of wang chung, and my feminine side said it didn’t get it and wondered if that was supposed to be a joke. Then Fred, one of my coworkers, came by, and we talked about football and women for a half an hour while my feminine side just listened and clucked its tongue every now and again.

When Fred left, my feminine side asked, “Is he a friend of yours?”

“You know he is,” I said. “We hang out at work all the time.”

“And you think all those horrible things he says about women are true?”

“Feminine Side, I’ll only say this: Fred wishes all those horrible things he says about women are true.”

“Men!” said my feminine side.

At lunchtime, my feminine side refused to go along with my desire for a brontosaurus burger with curly fries and a chocolate shake. Instead, I wound up going to that new vegetarian restaurant, Green Cuisine, and ordered the salad bar with a bottle of designer water. “Bean sprouts!” I said disgustedly as I moved through the line. “Pea pods!” “Yummy!” said my feminine side. “And don’t forget the fat free dressing.”

That afternoon, my feminine side begged me to ask another coworker of mine, Betty, what that captivating scent was she was wearing. “Aw, come on,” I said, “I feel stupid asking that.” But my feminine side really wanted to know because it smelled just heavenly; so, of course, I had to do it.

“Betty,” I said, “what is that captivating scent you’re wearing?”

Betty gave me a strange look. “Why do you care?”

“Um, I might get it for my wife.”

“It’s Bootylicious, by L’Oreal,” she said.

“Oh, Bootylicious, huh? Sounds trés chic. Um, wait a minute, hold on a sec. Does that skirt you’re wearing come in hunter green?”

“Are you kidding?”

“No, and who makes that lip gloss you’re wearing?”

“Schprock,” said Betty, looking annoyed, “I’ve got work to do.”

“Sure, Betty,” I said, letting her pass. Then, as she quickly walked down the corridor away from me, I called out, “Love your shoes!”

After work, I stopped by Blockbuster to rent some DVDs. As I headed straight for Rambo 13: No Real Reason, Just Because and Jackass: The Director’s Cut, my feminine side stopped me cold. “You are not going to watch those, are you?” my feminine side asked. “Well, yeah, why? What did you have in mind?” My feminine side told me and I burst out laughing. “You can’t possibly be serious!” I managed to say through my tears. “Ha! Ha! Ha! That’s too much!”

After a minute or two, I regained my composure and asked, “Really, what should I get?” There was no response. “Feminine Side?” I asked. Nothing.

My feminine side had evidently stopped talking to me.

In the end, I left with six Julia Roberts movies and The Notebook. Later that evening, I sat down to watch the movies with my two daughters after we first talked about the boys at their schools. Still later, when I retired to bed with my wife, I asked her if maybe we should shop for some nice, silk sheets with a floral pattern that picked up on the wallpaper. Finally, mercifully, I fell asleep.

Well, I’m back to my regular self, I’m pleased to say, although I have to admit that day gave me a real education. Yep, I’m back to my good old, secure-in-my-masculinity, mild-mannered self. Only . . . a little word of advice: right around the 21st of the month, it’s probably best to step lightly around me. If you know what I mean.


Anonymous Amy said...

Your feminine side sounds downright annoying. Keep her quiet and in the kitchen where she belongs!

1:31 PM  
Blogger LL said...


What happens around the 21st? Is that when all of your bills come due?

And thank you for your sharing your wisdom on this subject. See? I knew you'd make a good spirit guide, and you're not even dead yet!

5:50 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

You're bloody well right I'll stay away from you around the 21st of the month. Heck! I'll just stay away from you, period.

(nyuk, nyuk!)

7:40 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

LMAO at LL and the bills being due. I'm more masculine than feminine (at least mentally) and after reading your post, thank God for that!

6:32 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

You're a funny funny guy, Schprockie. I'm glad all that working you've been doing hasn't suppressed your sense of humor.

9:38 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Thank God I don't have a feminine side. I think I'd have to kill her.

Word verification: ghjoe (the deserter who hid out and now calls himself Ken)

11:26 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Your feminine side is reaalllllly girly girly, Schprockie. I don't know what that MEANS, but I'm pretty sure it can't be all good.

I'm surprised she let you out of the house in those leggings.

1:32 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

Ironically, your feminine side could get you slapped with a sexual harassment suit.

6:46 AM  
Blogger SzélsőFa said...

sometimes we all have to do such ventures... that was fun to read! Thanks'

8:27 AM  
Blogger Flash said...

Man, your feminine side is the worst females have to offer! I think your male side better steer cler of her. She's a nut case!

11:40 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

My feminie side prefers action flicks to chic flicks and I don't use an iron unless I really really really have to. And I don't know if this is irony or not, but as I type this, my very large, beer guzzling, football watching, Rolling Stones fanatic Dad is watching Dirty Dancing. The one with pre-nose work Jennifer Grey. He's watching it by choice.
Glad your back to normal though.

7:56 PM  

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