The Best Men

I one time had a discussion with a friend of mine about unglamorous superpowers; you know, superpowers that could never earn a character any ink in a comic book. As we may recall in the X-Men movies, every mutant child in the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters had a special power which could be put toward a practical application. Passing through solid walls, for instance, could come in very handy, or freezing things with your breath, or controlling fire or metal, that sort of thing — all very utilitarian. But what about those mutants whose powers weren’t so, shall we say, sexy? My friend invented one character called Deer, who had the uncanny ability, at the first sign of trouble, of finding a nearby berry bush to quickly nibble on. His “kryptonite,” if you will, was headlights. My character was Wait, who was amazingly skilled at waiting for incredibly long periods of time; days, even weeks if necessary. The combined might of the Registry of Motor Vehicles and every telephone tech support service in the world would crumble at his feet. But despite this awesome display, there would be grave doubt whether or not Wait could ever sell comic book number one. Let’s face it, he’s no Magneto.

Anyway, this all leads to what I call “the post that never was.” Random Squeegee fans, I want to warn you right now that the legendary blogger, John, is going to get a little roughed up in this space, so any of those who feel protective of the lad might want to look away. This could get ugly.

You see, a few months back, my coworker John told me about his friend’s wedding that was coming up. I’m sure this event — which has since come and gone — was typical in most respects. Certainly the requisite bride and groom were there; doubtless a couple of rings were exchanged, a toast or two made, a big cake cut, a bouquet tossed and a garter thrown. All according to regulations. What made the occasion unusual was that the groom — and here I must be delicate — lacked the cahones to select a best man from among his friends. That’s right. Rather than go with the standard issue group of one best man and so many ushers, this guy had what he called “the best men.” I’m guessing he didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Pfffff! Please!

So when I heard about the best men, I remarked that they sounded a bit like a group of superheroes, such as the Fantastic Four or the Justice League of America. "The Best Men." And then, as our discussion took the frivolous path many of our conversations do, we got to thinking about what superpowers the Best Men could have.

Long story short, we came up with names and special “matrimonial powers” for each of the Best Men and John was supposed to write up a really witty post about them. The days went by, the wedding date loomed, and nothing. No “Best Men” post. I begged, cajoled, wheedled, exhorted, threatened, threw tantrums, made silly faces, but still no post. In my desperation, I even gave him the remaining half of my one pound bag of Peanut M&Ms if he would only write the damn thing up, but the result was only so much candy-coated chocolatey goodness wasted. Nothing. When I finally burst into his office one day to ask once and for all and no fooling around if he would do it, here is what I saw:



Yep, there’s the sluggard himself, striking an all too familiar pose. Once I saw that, I knew the train wasn’t gonna leave the station.

Well folks, if the Best Men were never unveiled to the world in Random Squeegee, then I feel it’s up to MGI to turn the trick. I can’t give it the Random Squeegee treatment of course, but I can at least describe what we had in mind.

It was essential that images of the Best Men should accompany the post. Once we came up with the names and characteristics of each Best Man, John set to work. Somewhere on the Internet he found the raw material for three of the four Best Men and then he worked a little Photoshop magic on them. Below is what he came up with:



Beginning on the left, meet Monoga-Man. His power: Fidelity Enforcement. His motto: “Be faithful, be true, or you be black and blue.” For the groom, that means forget about those pretty waitresses. For the bride, say good bye to Mister Blow Dry.

In the center we find Pre-Nup. His power: Legal Hocus Pocus. His motto: “There’s only one kind of screwin’ that’s gonna happen around here!” He puts it all in black and white . . . and we’re talkin’ indelible ink!

On the right, there’s Prospero. His power: Wealth Management. His motto: “What are your long term financial goals? What kind of risk are you willing to — hey! Wake up! I’m talking to you!” Stick with this guy and you get the house, the car, the boat and the plasma screen TV! (And please — don’t ask me what the mace is for.)

As you can see, we’re missing one. This last Best Man is the one who will bring the gift of pitter-pattering little feet to the happy couple. For this, yours truly had to break out his pencil and draw a quick sketch. Everyone, please meet…



…Fertillo! His power: Seed and Breed Facilitation. His motto: “Virility beats sterility.” With him on your side, you’ll be building additions to your house in no time (and talking to Prospero about college funds)!

Well, that’s it. It would have been great, but someone had to go and drop the ball. Have a great weekend everyone. If you know of any weddings coming up, the Best Men are available. They may even get a fifth member, Mazeltov, to specialize in bar mitzvahs. I’ll keep you posted.