Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The Unsinkable Ms. Smith

Regular readers of this blog may remember Ms. Smith, a client of ours who — despite being as attached to my company as Barry Bonds is to a certain performance enhancing substance — has driven us to distraction with her finickiness and micromanagement. Although we have been doing several projects for her lately, we've heard very little from Ms. Smith directly. Her reticence has been, well, curious. Granted, Ms. Smith’s minions have been in continual contact with us and have, by proxy, extended her icy and over-controlling touch, but still, not hearing her level, deliberate, infuriatingly rational voice has been — dare I say it? — disquieting. Last week, everything became quite clear when the proverbial poop hit the metaphorical fan: she’s left her company and has signed on with someone else! Again!

Ms. Smith is only 32 years old, 18 years my junior. She has three times my IQ, four times my income (conservative estimate), and five times my ambition. She has expensive tastes and is picky, picky, picky. What she spends on her wardrobe for a single day could sustain a large family of Guatemalans for life. She doesn’t like to eat at restaurants because “they never cook the food right.” In aspect, she strikes the observer as pure and virginal in the coldest way imaginable. I can only guess what trials a lover must put himself through to win his way to her bed: it probably involves a written exam, a quest of some kind trying his wits and courage to their utmost, and finally the ritualistic shaving of his body hair by a team of devoted, specially-trained handmaidens. Then, after a thorough scrubbing with Neutrogena soap, the scenting of his skin and hair with exotic oils, and the robing of his person in the finest and most non-allergenic of garments, he may be permitted to humbly enter her chamber.

That’s Ms. Smith.

There have been conflicting accounts of her leaving. She said she resigned. The people who worked under her said she resigned before she was fired. Her boss says she was fired. But God bless her, she landed on her feet again. Her new job, complete with promotion and higher salary, begins in May.

26 Comments:

Blogger Flash said...

At least she's out of your hair now...I hope for your sanity anyway.

And I hate people like that. You got the drive to make a difference, but the attitude that drives people away who can help you make that dream succeed.

Good ridance I say.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Wordnerd said...

Sounds to me like good riddance. But I wouldn't be surprised if she were completely different during, umm, intimacy ... she just seems the type.

10:34 AM  
Blogger John said...

Somehow, the fact that she was about to get fired but ended up with a better job only makes me more angry.
If she told me she was drowning, me and Phil Collins' giant head would just stand there and watch.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

She's 32. Granted she's obviously very well educated, I'm sure, but something is not right about this.

I guess because I hear from John all the things she does to make things very difficult for you guys, I can only imagine how hellish she must be to work for, I think she's doing a lil' somthin' somthin' to continually and unfailingly land better jobs, and higher pay.

Sometimes I just can't stand to hear John tell me all the mean, petty, and hairsplitting things she does, and I have to ask him to stop. As God as my witness I would snap one day and I'd have her by her throat up against the wall before I even realized what I was doing if I were any of you. You're a better person than I'd ever be. I have been working long enough to have worked with and for some successful, no nonsense, not-going-to-put-up-with-your-bullshit-kind of women. She does not compare to them. There IS a big difference. She's got issues. The workplace is not the place to work them out.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

By the way mr. schprock, any word from Ms. Smith as to whether she wants to use you guys for work with her next victims, oops I mean her next employer? And if so, how would your bosses take it? Do they think she's more trouble than she's worth yet?

11:01 AM  
Blogger magnetbabe said...

The way you described her would-be suiters, I envisioned some poor guy in an off-the-rack suit having to go see the ladies in the jolly old land of Oz to get all primped up. Hilarious.

12:35 PM  
Blogger tiff said...

She sounds horrible. Toxic. Insufferable.

And will likely rule the world by the time she's 40, with a phalanx of good-smelling hairless sycophants to attend her.

(full body shiver)

1:26 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"You got the drive to make a difference, but the attitude that drives people away who can help you make that dream succeed."

Exactly. Very self-defeating.


"But I wouldn't be surprised if she were completely different during, umm, intimacy ... she just seems the type."

I figure she's either a frigid ice queen or the worst slut you ever saw. Could go either way.


"If she told me she was drowning, me and Phil Collins' giant head would just stand there and watch."

But think of the headlines:

(NY Times) "Giant head saves drowning woman!"

(NY Post) "Employer to giant head: 'Throw her back!'".


"By the way mr. schprock, any word from Ms. Smith as to whether she wants to use you guys for work with her next victims, oops I mean her next employer? And if so, how would your bosses take it?"

They would welcome her with open arms. After all, they don't actually do the work, they just patiently listen to us complain.



"…I envisioned some poor guy in an off-the-rack suit having to go see the ladies in the jolly old land of Oz to get all primped up."

Shave, shave here,
Shave, shave there,
Your skin's so soft and smooth
That's why we buy those drums of Nair
In the Merry Old Land of Oz…

1:34 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"And will likely rule the world by the time she's 40, with a phalanx of good-smelling hairless sycophants to attend her."

Yes, they'll be Ms. Smith and the Smithereens.

1:35 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

Sorry, Schprockie. When you described your supposition of her intimate activities, I thought the complete opposite. In the dark and behind closed doors, I bet she is Li'l Miss Down 'n Dirty, with tricks that would make some of the more famous, well-known, versatile porn queens' faces turn red. And it's probably not some poor guy, but most likely plurals, and she insists they do the most degrading things to her.

Like, tell her "no."

Word Verification: "ljerxkm." She probably does that, too!

1:57 PM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I'm voting that she's a dominatrix. That's a whips n chains chick if I've ever seen one. Not that I've ever seen one.

Just pray her new job isn't in your new office. WOuld she be better or worse than Joe?

2:58 PM  
Blogger Mrs.T said...

I want that kind of bounce... without the other crap she does. Just the ability to outdo myself and everyone around me LOL..

Well I don't really care if I out-do anyone really, I just want to be sane and not feel the need to worry all the time...

3:40 PM  
Blogger LL said...

She sounds sooooo sweet. Does her first name happen to be Trina? :ewink:

5:19 PM  
Blogger boo said...

strange boudoir habits ms. smith has. then again cleanliness is next to horniness.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

I was just telling my wife about Ms. Smith two nights ago, and she laughed furiously about the gun comment she made. I'll miss her by proxy, because she is the ballast that fills canons.

4:28 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"…I bet she is Li'l Miss Down 'n Dirty, with tricks that would make some of the more famous, well-known, versatile porn queens' faces turn red."

That might explain the handsome, studded dog collars she gave each of us for Christmas.


"Just pray her new job isn't in your new office. Would she be better or worse than Joe?"

Funny thing is, she totally digs Joe. He's coarse and gross while she's so refined and ladylike. The two of them together… (shivers)


"I just want to be sane and not feel the need to worry all the time..."

That's my major goal in life, Mrs. T


"She sounds sooooo sweet. Does her first name happen to be Trina?"

Now, now, Trina is worth 100 Ms. Smiths and you know it.


"strange boudoir habits ms. smith has. then again cleanliness is next to horniness."

Yes, in the budoir cleanliness can be quite an asset, I'll agree with you there, Boo.


"I'll miss her by proxy, because she is the ballast that fills canons."

Oh, I don't think we've heard the last of Ms. Smith.

5:46 AM  
Anonymous dreadmouse said...

I just don't understand how that happens; you make everybody around you so miserable that the organization you work for fires your frigid butt. Obviously, you immediately bounce to a new and better paying position. ... wait, what?

How do people do that? How do you develop that kind of crazy-amazing career acumen?

7:08 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I'm with dreadmouse - how do such hideous people who make other people's lives so miserable end up better off than the rest of us?

And I fear that she'll be back in her new iteration to make your lives hell once more.

7:20 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"How do people do that? How do you develop that kind of crazy-amazing career acumen?"

I don't know, but at some point her luck should surely run out.


"And I fear that she'll be back in her new iteration to make your lives hell once more."

Oh, she'll be back all right.

9:13 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Soooo.. is the moral to this story be a bitch and get the world?

11:29 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

After first selling Satan your eternal soul, naturally.

11:55 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

"Now, now, Trina is worth 100 Ms. Smiths and you know it."

Neener neener. :P

I just wish I had her business sense.

12:12 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

You'd have to get your conscience removed first.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous mikepsg said...

im so glad i dont have to put up with that crap any more:)

9:05 AM  
Blogger Claire said...

I love the description! Absolutely wonderful!

As for her, I hope she landed somewhere that you won't have to deal with her...and that your business won't take a hit frmo NOT dealing with her!

9:13 AM  
Blogger boo said...

happy easter groovy schprockster :)

9:23 PM  

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