A Clear and Present Danger

The missus and I have an arrangement: I prepare the dinners on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights, and she takes care of the rest of the meals. On the nights I cook, I usually stop off at the supermarket on the way home to pick up whatever ingredients my culinary visions require. It’s good I do this, not only because this practice allows me to put food on the table, but it also gives me a chance to stay up with the news by scanning the huge tabloid headlines that scream out at me as I wait in the checkout line. For instance, I know all about the Brangelina saga and how poor Jennifer Aniston has finally found peace in the arms of Vince Vaughan. I am completely up-to-date on the birth and well-being of Brooke Shields’ baby and the dianetic spawn of Tomkat. I am equally well acquainted with Whitney Houston’s tragic brain tumor scare and Britney’s latest pregnancy. But last Wednesday evening I nearly dropped my eggplant and broccoli when I read this shocker: jealous Nick is in tears because of “Jessica’s Sexy Revenge.”

How could it have come to this? The marriage that was once so perfect they televised it from coast to coast has resulted in bitter anguish and a shockingly sexy revenge. A sassy revenge would have been devastating surely, but there’s just no answer for a sexy revenge. Hasn’t history taught us anything? Were the 1950s so long ago that we’ve forgotten the great national peril created by the Blonde Bombshell, when Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield mercilessly attacked America with their surging, simmering, swirling, sin-filled cisterns of seductively smoldering super-sexy sexiness, causing men’s libidos to spin wildly out of control and turning half the country’s women gay? Have we forgotten that? And let us not forget when, after France launched Bridget Bardot, the United States finally had enough, and, following long negotiations, a famous armistice was signed by President Eisenhower, Hugh Hefner and Maurice Chevalier on the White House lawn. Ike switched from Vargas paint-by-number paintings to safer landscapes after that, and Hefner vowed “never again, never again, will such platinum pyrotechnics invade this country’s shores.” It wasn’t that long ago!

Please join with me in an aggressive letter-writing campaign to stop Jessica Simpson’s cruel and sexy revenge. It’s bad for Nick and it’s bad for the nation. If for some reason you can’t write a letter, please consider sending a cash contribution to either the BRA (Brotherhood of Responsible Americans), or its sister organization, DCUP (Democratic Citizenry United by Patriotism), care of this blog. Together we can stop Jessica’s sexy revenge from ever threatening our land again.