Friday, May 19, 2006

A Clear and Present Danger

The missus and I have an arrangement: I prepare the dinners on Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights, and she takes care of the rest of the meals. On the nights I cook, I usually stop off at the supermarket on the way home to pick up whatever ingredients my culinary visions require. It’s good I do this, not only because this practice allows me to put food on the table, but it also gives me a chance to stay up with the news by scanning the huge tabloid headlines that scream out at me as I wait in the checkout line. For instance, I know all about the Brangelina saga and how poor Jennifer Aniston has finally found peace in the arms of Vince Vaughan. I am completely up-to-date on the birth and well-being of Brooke Shields’ baby and the dianetic spawn of Tomkat. I am equally well acquainted with Whitney Houston’s tragic brain tumor scare and Britney’s latest pregnancy. But last Wednesday evening I nearly dropped my eggplant and broccoli when I read this shocker: jealous Nick is in tears because of “Jessica’s Sexy Revenge.”

How could it have come to this? The marriage that was once so perfect they televised it from coast to coast has resulted in bitter anguish and a shockingly sexy revenge. A sassy revenge would have been devastating surely, but there’s just no answer for a sexy revenge. Hasn’t history taught us anything? Were the 1950s so long ago that we’ve forgotten the great national peril created by the Blonde Bombshell, when Marilyn Monroe and Jayne Mansfield mercilessly attacked America with their surging, simmering, swirling, sin-filled cisterns of seductively smoldering super-sexy sexiness, causing men’s libidos to spin wildly out of control and turning half the country’s women gay? Have we forgotten that? And let us not forget when, after France launched Bridget Bardot, the United States finally had enough, and, following long negotiations, a famous armistice was signed by President Eisenhower, Hugh Hefner and Maurice Chevalier on the White House lawn. Ike switched from Vargas paint-by-number paintings to safer landscapes after that, and Hefner vowed “never again, never again, will such platinum pyrotechnics invade this country’s shores.” It wasn’t that long ago!

Please join with me in an aggressive letter-writing campaign to stop Jessica Simpson’s cruel and sexy revenge. It’s bad for Nick and it’s bad for the nation. If for some reason you can’t write a letter, please consider sending a cash contribution to either the BRA (Brotherhood of Responsible Americans), or its sister organization, DCUP (Democratic Citizenry United by Patriotism), care of this blog. Together we can stop Jessica’s sexy revenge from ever threatening our land again.

25 Comments:

Blogger Kathleen said...

Before I write a letter I need to know what this "Sexy Revenge" is. Nick was on Ellen earlier this week (or was it last week) and he says he's over it. He got all his angst out in his new album...so make sure you pick that up!

5:31 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Actually, I don't exactly know what the sexy revenge is, and THAT scares me the most!

6:12 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Is her sexy revenge the newly droopy boobies, or the orange skin, or the visibly growing Adam's apple, or the skeleton-like physique? If so, then I know not this sexy of which you speak. Seems more freakish to me.
And as president of DCUP, I would have appreciated a forewarning of your fund-raising activities; there are forms to fill out for this kind of thing!

6:52 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I'm guessing Sexy Revenge has something to do with her new line of Carrot Top wigs. Will the insanity never end?!

7:07 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"And as president of DCUP, I would have appreciated a forewarning of your fund-raising activities; there are forms to fill out for this kind of thing!"

Oops! I thought one of my BRA brothers let you in on that. My mistake.


"I'm guessing Sexy Revenge has something to do with her new line of Carrot Top wigs. Will the insanity never end?!"

It's madness! MADNESS!

7:17 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

You mean Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt called it quits?! Shit.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Farrago said...

As founder and president of both Traditions In Trust Society and Americans for Social Sanity, I am offended to be excluded from your effort.

Respectfully,
Farrago

8:10 AM  
Blogger Farrago said...

(This reminds me of a commercial I made while employed making commercials in Georgia. I came up with "Chicken Liberation Union for Chicken-free Kitchens," or "C.L.U.C.K." whose president was Hen-ry Yardbird, fighting for every chicken's right to give its life to the fast-food chain of its choice.

8:18 AM  
Blogger Farrago said...

)

8:19 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"You mean Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt called it quits?! Shit."

You didn't know? Scott, I'm so sorry…


"As founder and president of both Traditions In Trust Society and Americans for Social Sanity, I am offended to be excluded from your effort."

Farrago, BRA representatives are contacting both of your organizations now, along with the Benevolent Researchers Engaged in Asserting Strict Traditional Standards.

8:37 AM  
Blogger Wordnerd said...

I'd love to help, but I'm busy sending donations to the monkey boy that was born to the farm couple in Kansas.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Shatterfist said...

No one's doing anything until I exact my own Sexy Revenge. Just stay out of the way...

10:46 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I'd love to help, but I'm busy sending donations to the monkey boy that was born to the farm couple in Kansas"

Is he at least a sexy monkey boy?


"No one's doing anything until I exact my own Sexy Revenge. Just stay out of the way..."

No, Shatterfist! Nothing's worth that!

10:54 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

Schprock, I keep reading blogs and then forgetting what I want to write to people because I'm too busy laughing at the comments you've already left. Then I come here, read this, and know why ... you are just THAT funny! I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thanks, big guy. =)

3:41 PM  
Blogger LL said...

Hmmm... I wonder if this sexy revenge involves a certain Loser... :lech:

4:09 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

You might as well contact the boys at People Eschewing Naughtyness In Society. They're going to want to plunge themselves deeply into this one.

4:53 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Then I come here, read this, and know why ... you are just THAT funny! I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Thanks, big guy. =)"

Hold it . . . you're saying you find this funny? Beth, the threat is very real, I assure you. A sexy revenge could undo us all.


"Hmmm... I wonder if this sexy revenge involves a certain Loser... :lech:"

Beware the wicked city women and their sinful feminine wiles, Lord Loser. Cling tight to your upstanding ways.


"You might as well contact the boys at People Eschewing Naughtyness In Society. They're going to want to plunge themselves deeply into this one."

Oh yes, they're the group that held their rally recently at the Washington Monument. They usually associate themselves with prominent erections of that kind, hoping to symbolically penetrate our national consciousness. I was particularly impressed with last year's march through the Lincoln Tunnel, when they marched forward, then back, then forward and then back again. Next year they plan to enter the Statue of Liberty, exploring her deeply and impulsively until, at the climax, her torch lights.

6:50 AM  
Blogger LL said...

"Beware the wicked city women and their sinful feminine wiles, Lord Loser. Cling tight to your upstanding ways."

Ahhh, but you forget, I'm now a Lottery Winner! I've got to engage in depravity so that I can be like every other lottery winner. Turns out, it's part of the fine print.

7:08 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Yes, people forget that with great wealth comes depravity. Bear it like a man, Lord Loser. Don't let the non-stop partying and oh so available centerfold-caliber women get you down. Be strong.

2:09 PM  
Blogger magnetbabe said...

How dare that tart execute a sexy revenge on poor Nick, the singer of the brilliant "What's Left of Me"? This supposed sexy revenge is rubbing salt on his all-too-exposed wound. I may be a feminist, but this is pushing things too far. As frequent donator to Lesbians Still in Love with Marilyn Monroe and an indifferent tolerator of People Eschewing Naughtyness In Society I say we band together to prevent other skinny bitches from carrying out such sexy revenge.

2:38 PM  
Blogger Flash said...

I would like to make a self-sacrifice and allow Miss Simpson to take revenge out with me....all for science sake and to help you fellow bloggers what exactly she is doing to these other poor men.

Hey, it's the least I can do.

4:20 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

No Flash, don't! It just isn't worth it! We can find another way!

5:31 AM  
Blogger LL said...

I've done a little research, and even though I can't confirm it, here's what I've deduced the sexy revenge consists of:

She is currently taking an upper division grammar school course on the differences between tuna and chicken.

8:51 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"…I say we band together to prevent other skinny bitches from carrying out such sexy revenge."

This will be our rallying cry! We'll happily include the honorable members of the LSLM in our national campaign!


"She is currently taking an upper division grammar school course on the differences between tuna and chicken."

She's educating herself? It's getting worse…

5:07 AM  
Blogger Claire said...

LOL!
I don't know what was funnier - the post or the comments.

Unfortunately, my brain is running at half speed right now and I'm too far gone to come up with an insightful addition.

1:32 PM  

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