Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Problem with the World

I’ll cut to the chase and tell all of you exactly what problem with the world is: everyone does not think and act just like me. I’ve put up with this all my life. I’ve tried leading by example, I’ve tried patience and kindness, I’ve tried using monosyllabic words in the teen-weeny, cutesy-wutesy baby voice, I’ve tried leading seminars using a Powerpoint presentation I designed myself, I’ve had leaflets dropped from a dirigible, I even once hired Marcel Marceau to act it all out assisted by the Muppets. This is everybody’s last chance. Now listen up:

The toilet paper should hang over the roll, not under it.

Always squeeze from the bottom of the toothpaste tube.

Clean the dishes immediately after dinner is finished.

Traffic patterns on sidewalks should match those of the particular country’s rule for the road. For instance, in the U.S., everyone should walk on the right-hand side of the sidewalk. In the U.K., everyone should walk on the left.

Before opening your car door after parking it on the street, check for cyclists. Don’t “door” them.

Never litter.

Never give anyone the finger in the comfort and safety of your locked and moving automobile. If you need to give someone the finger, do it standing three feet away him.

When crossing the street, hustle. Don’t walk really slow looking cool.

Be polite.

Learn how to not talk loudly on your cell phone.

Do all you can to abolish the DH from the American League. (Please ask me for my free brochure entitled, So You Want to Abolish the DH from the American League.)

Don’t let your grass grow longer than a foot before cutting it.

Walk up the escalator even though it’s already moving up.

Once the movie starts, don’t say a freaking word — I don’t care how witty you think you are.

Quit wearing those baggy pants dragged halfway down your ass to show off your boxer shorts. It looks stupid and I don’t like it.

Don’t waste stuff.

Don’t drive slower than everyone else in the passing lane. And don’t give me that “Well, I’m going the speed limit” crap either, because it doesn’t impress me.

Replace the cap on everything by screwing it back on tightly.



Sorry, only time for a partial list today. Suggestions are welcome.

25 Comments:

Blogger Flood said...

Don't ask for Schprockly advice unless you are going to do what he says.

You're boobies are not special, unless you have 3. Cover up.

Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

6:30 AM  
Blogger LL said...

"You're boobies are not special, unless you have 3."

I'll have to defer to Mr. S for the definitive answer, but I think all boobies under the age of 40 are special and only should be moderately covered up... :P

As for the toilet paper, I must say that it depends on the orientation of the holder from where you are forced to sit that deterimines the exact drapery of the roll.

7:14 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

Chew with your mouth closed.

Brush your teeth twice a day, and if you smoke, always carry mints.

Quit with the eye rolling, already.

Don't bang the person ahead of you in the grocery store with your cart to try to get them to move up.

Look at people when they're talking to you.

If you're asked a question, answer audibly.

(oh boy, I could go on.....)

7:15 AM  
Anonymous dreadmouse said...

Wow, a chance to influence the thought patterns of the entire world! This is intimidating.

Let's see...

- If you're talking to somebody and their eyes start to glaze over or fall uncontrollably shut, it's time to let them talk for a bit.

- Everybody over the age of 14 is required to do their own laundry, including folding it and putting it away.

- Live and let live. If you must try to change somebody, try doing it by example rather than preaching at them.

7:26 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"You're boobies are not special, unless you have 3. Cover up."

Well, Lord Loser may have had a point about the boob question. For now, perhaps we should just assess them on a case-by-case basis. I'll need some volunteers…


"As for the toilet paper, I must say that it depends on the orientation of the holder from where you are forced to sit that deterimines the exact drapery of the roll."

I stand by the "over-hang rule" in every possible angle and situation. I have others rules regarding the toilet that at some later date I may get into.


"Chew with your mouth closed."

Tiff, your list has automatically earned you a seat on the Council of Elders once I become World Emperor.

Adullts who contnue to chew with their mouths open should be forced to undergo behavior modification therapy involving electric shocks and sleep deprivation.


"Live and let live. If you must try to change somebody, try doing it by example rather than preaching at them."

My kids put you up to that, didn't they?

8:52 AM  
Blogger Melly said...

Don't talk on your cell while driving.

Don't wear midriff tops and low cut jeans if you have a tire in the middle.

Don't leave comments that are longer than the original post.

Don't take everything so seriously.

8:57 AM  
Blogger Wordnerd said...

Brilliant. Except you're wrong.


About the toilet paper.

I think I'm going to make my own list.

9:01 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I agree with you on the toilet paper.

If you use up the old roll of toilet paper, do not sit a new roll on the top of the old roll within reach of a batting cat paw.

If the water is still running out of a faucet even though you're sure you shut it off, turn harder.

If you feel compelled to drop the f-bomb every other word, try to restrain yourself in front of children and old people. Otherwise, get a dictionary and increase your vocabulary.

If you are unable to determine whether or not others find you obnoxious, ask your friends. Better yet, ask me.

9:28 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

We call the slow walkers "Insolent Saunterers." Fits, don't it?

I'm tapped out of new rules, but I do so agree with all yours. Maybe I would add one for the ladies: when you're done with the toilet, put the seat back up.

9:58 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Don't wear midriff tops and low cut jeans if you have a tire in the middle."

Oh yeah. Definitely.


"I think I'm going to make my own list."

Absolutely! Although how I can listen to anyone who doesn't agree with me about the toilet paper question? Because I'm so . . . right!


"If you feel compelled to drop the f-bomb every other word, try to restrain yourself in front of children and old people. Otherwise, get a dictionary and increase your vocabulary."

Yes, usually the F-word is a space holder for a word the MENSA candidate in question can't think of.


"Maybe I would add one for the ladies: when you're done with the toilet, put the seat back up."

Oh ho ho! Bold of you to say, Scott. That's firing right back at them.

10:13 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

"Always squeeze from the bottom of the toothpaste tube.

Clean the dishes immediately after dinner is finished."

It's a losing battle trying to teach John and his brothers this. Please advise.

Also:

Parents need to control their children in PUBLIC. The excuse, "Well they don't know any better" does NOT wash with me. If your child shrieks, throws a tantrum, wails, kicks, hits, or anything similar, do NOT take them out somewhere where people are going to be pissed. I am a mother, and my daughter knows if she were to try anything like that I will tan her hide. Make of that whatever you want.

Say please and thank you to everyone. People lack basic home training anymore.

Don't use waiters/sales clerks as a verbal punching bag because you've had a craptacular day. Grow up. A real grievance/complaint is different, but don't stiff the waiter because you wanted an extra well done steak in 15 minutes on a Saturday night, when the place is packed. That makes you a dumbass.

Males: LEAN IN CLOSER AND STOP SPRAYING YOUR PEE ALL OVER THE COMODE!!! I don't care how early in the morning/late at night it is. Just do it. I'll gladly put my own toilet seat down if you'll do that one thing. Thank you.

10:29 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Males: LEAN IN CLOSER AND STOP SPRAYING YOUR PEE ALL OVER THE COMODE!!!"

Ha ha ha! You should see the toilet rim and section of floor near the toilet here at work. My cat's litter box is cleaner. You called that one right, Michele. That and what you said about kids' behavior. My wife and I somehow managed to keep our girls in line.

10:43 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

I totally agree with you! Why don't people act like I want them to????

My rule is not just the toilet, but the lid should be put down as well. Nobody really needs to see a gaping toilet bowl. Or if you're in a house other than your own, put the toilet seat/lid back the way you found it - my pet peeve as nobody puts my toilet lid back down.

10:44 AM  
Blogger John said...

"Males: LEAN IN CLOSER AND STOP SPRAYING YOUR PEE ALL OVER THE COMODE!!! I don't care how early in the morning/late at night it is. Just do it. I'll gladly put my own toilet seat down if you'll do that one thing. Thank you."

Hey look, there's all kinds of variables that can comprimise the maneuverability of that thing that I don't really care to dicuss right now. It's like Willy Wonka says, there's no earthly way of knowing which way the river's flowing.

10:52 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I do believe Michele is my new hero.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Michele said...

"Ha ha ha! You should see the toilet rim and section of floor near the toilet here at work. My cat's litter box is cleaner. You called that one right, Michele."

I do believe that's grounds for justifiable homicide. Let's ask Trina. She should know.

"Hey look, there's all kinds of variables that can comprimise the maneuverability of that thing that I don't really care to dicuss right now. It's like Willy Wonka says, there's no earthly way of knowing which way the river's flowing."

Unless your arms are broke, this wouldn't prevent you from CLEANING UP YOUR DISGUSTING MESS AFTERWARDS. What's your smartass excuse now, hmm Mr. Wonka? Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought....

11:40 AM  
Blogger fringes said...

Wow...the Schprockies are cranky today.

1:05 PM  
Blogger John said...

You know how it takes like three guys to handle a fire hose? Well it's like that. And I don't want two other guys handling my junk.

1:24 PM  
Blogger Michele said...

"You know how it takes like three guys to handle a fire hose? Well it's like that. And I don't want two other guys handling my junk."

Your junk? Firehose? Three guys?.....Nevermind, I don't want to go there....

Here's a thought: Grab some toilet paper and wipe up the pee. And if you really want to be cool, you can do it with one hand....;)

1:30 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

I am enjoying this.

You tell him, Michele!

2:10 PM  
Blogger LL said...

"For now, perhaps we should just assess them on a case-by-case basis. I'll need some volunteers…"

Solomon couldn't have done better.

"If you are unable to determine whether or not others find you obnoxious, ask your friends. Better yet, ask me."

Erm... you wouldn't tell me the truth. :P

Addition to the list:

If you have a disgusting discharge or illness that I can't see that means it's private and should stay that way. The rest of the world need not be told about it.

If you're not willing to do it yourself, don't sit back and tell those that are doing it that their way is all wrong.

If you ask someone the same question more than three times, perhaps the fault is not in their explanation, but rather in your comprehension.

4:21 PM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

My only rule is this: don't bug me when I'm on the net.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Farrago said...

"The toilet paper should hang over the roll, not under it."

I'll agree with that if you'll allow the exception for people who have one or more cats that like to spin the roll. If you're draping over, you're going to go through a lot of toilet paper.

------------

"Always squeeze from the bottom of the toothpaste tube."

Okay, but if I turn the tube over to put the toothpaste on my brush, then the bottom is the top and the top is the bottom. I'm confuuuuuused!

------------

"Don't leave comments that are longer than the original post."

Oops. (Melly's been reading my comments...)

------------

Here's mine: If you say you're going to limit your posts to three paragraphs each, then stick to it.

(Sorry, Schprock. I... I don't know what got into me. That toilet paper rule really got to me...I don't even have a cat.)

9:18 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"If you have a disgusting discharge or illness that I can't see that means it's private and should stay that way. The rest of the world need not be told about it."

That is so true.


"My only rule is this: don't bug me when I'm on the net."

Just one rule? You're easy.


"Here's mine: If you say you're going to limit your posts to three paragraphs each, then stick to it."

Heh heh heh!

Will you settle for most of the time?

6:20 AM  
Blogger boo said...

don't talk with your mouth full. chew quietly.

i'm easy-going so long as everything goes my way.

4:32 AM  

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