Wednesday, May 24, 2006

A Letter from 7-Year-Old Schprock to All of Us in the Present Day

May 24, 1963

Dear 2006,

Hello. How are you? I am fine. My name is John. I am 7 years old. I am in first grade. My teacher is Mrs. Fleming. Do you go to school? What’s your school? My school is the Robert A. Cole Elementary School. I am the tallest kid in my class.

Who is your president? Our president is President Kennedy. Is President Kennedy still around? He should teach all the new presidents how to act. One time the Russians made big trouble. They were going to invade our country. They were going to march through my town and boss everyone around. Then President Kennedy told Kruschev to cut it out. Kruschev tried to act all tough but he got scared because he saw President Kennedy meant it. Deep down inside Kruschev is really a big chicken. Do the Russians still cause a lot of trouble? I bet they still do. They’re a bunch of big troublemakers and ought to leave us alone.

What is your favorite TV show? My favorite TV show is The Flintstones. They come on at 8:00 on Tuesday nights. My mother lets me stay up to watch. My second favorite show is The Jackie Gleason Show. Do they still have these shows? Is Jackie Gleason still alive? Do you know who Crazy Guggenheim is? He has a very funny laugh. It will be too bad if you can’t see him because he is very funny. I watched The Outer Limits once. It gave me a bad dream.

My friend Dougy has a color TV. Do you have a color TV? Does everyone have a color TV? I saw Bozo the Clown in color and saw that his costume was really blue. I asked my father if he could do something to our TV so it would be in color too. He said if he could do that, wouldn’t he have done it already? But I meant if he took the back off of it and really tried hard, I bet he could. Use a screwdriver or something. Our TV is crummy. You have to use a pair of pliers to change the channels because the knob broke off. Color TVs are much better.

I was on The Big Brother Show for my birthday. They let me say the Pledge of Allegiance. Afterward Big Brother Bob handed out little flags to all the kids who said the Pledge of Allegiance. I was the only kid who said thank you. Big Brother Bob looks kind of old in person but he’s really nice. He has to use two different glasses, one for reading and the other one for regular seeing. All my friends saw me on TV.

Does everybody’s cars fly where you are? Mine doesn’t. Nobody’s does. We have a white station wagon that keeps breaking down. When we went to West Virginia it broke down. My father said a lot of bad words! You should have heard him! Then we had to wait around a long time for it to get fixed. I wish our car could fly.

When something is really good, what do you say? We say “keen.” Or “keen-o.” Sometimes we say “wicked.”

My best friend is Brian who lives across the street. There’s lots of kids in my neighborhood. They call me Little John because there’s an older kid next door named John too, so he’s Big John, only I’m taller than him. That makes it kind of funny. Brian’s little brother is named Michael and I’m good friends with him too. Then there’s this kid named Howard who tells lots of dirty jokes. One time he told my mother a joke about a musical toilet. I couldn’t believe it! He should be in trouble but he never is.

I’m learning how to ride a two-wheeler. Pretty soon my dad’s going to take off the training wheels. I practically don’t need them anymore.

I know some kids at school who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. I’m not fooling. Then they eat their snacks right afterward.

Do you have a robot? Boy, I would love to have a robot. I’d treat him nice and have him for my friend. Robots aren’t dangerous if you’re friendly to them. I would take him everywhere and take very good care of him. Let me know if you have a robot. I really want to know that.

That’s about all for now. School will be over pretty soon and then we kids have the summer off. My family’s going to go to West Virginia again and then we’re going to go to Syracuse. Syracuse is New York. That’s where my Swedish grandmother lives. My other grandma and grandpa live in Beckley, West Virginia. We stay in West Virginia longer than we stay in Syracuse because me and my baby brother and my two sisters are too much for my Swedish grandmother. I guess we drive her crazy.

Please write and tell me if you have a robot. Or if you know anyone who does.

Your Friend,


Blogger Scott said...

Dear John,

I don't personally have a robot, but they do exist. In fact, robots and illegal aliens do the jobs that no American will do, if you believe what the government tells you. Kennedy was the last president that almost everyone liked. But he gets shot right before I was born, so I guess not everyone liked him so well. I'm tempted to tell you the details in hopes that you could prevent it, but that would change history. The whole space-time continuum, sorry.

Keep writing and never stop dreaming.


6:11 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

Dear John,

I have a robot. But it poses as my cat, since it's a very smart robot. So smart, in fact, that I fear it may kill me in my sleep.

I work with someone who doesn't wash her hands after going to the bathroom either. But then she makes cake and brings it for us to eat. I went hungry that day.

I love the Flintstones too, but I'm guessing I watching your reruns. Can you tell me why their feet never start on fire from all that peddling?


7:11 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Dear John,

My car flies if I hit a puddle too fast. Keen-o!
I can't prove it, but I think our Vice President is a robot.


PS- As you can see, in the future people have acronyms for names. Isn't that fun?

7:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Dear John,

I just found your letter! I am seven, too! I go to Elizabeth Sutherland Elementary School.

Do you know about the hippies? There are like the people that ruined the party for everyone, that's what my Mom says. She says the 1960s made a mess out of the whole world. Is that true? Dad says it was disco.

The President is Ronald Reagan, now. I dunno who it was before. It's sad about President Kennedy. They think the Russians got to him, after all. You were right about troublemakers, that's for sure. Ronald Reagan was shot by a crazy man for Jody Foster. He'll be ok. I have no idea who Jody Foster is or why she would want the President hurt. Someone tried to hurt the Pope, too. It's a dangerous world, now.

You sure did miss a lot of great stuff as a kid! Color tv is nothing! There is this new station that shows music movies 24 hours a day. You know, like, songs on the radio are now little movies. It's totally awesome to the max! Plus, we have video games now. My favorite is this one where the yellow-smiley face has to eat the dots and try to avoid the ghosts. You can play right on your tv and you don't even need a friend.

I like to watch Buck Rogers and The Waltons. Mork and Mindy is a totally funny show. I wish I could watch Charlie's Angels, but it's on too late. The coolest thing I ever saw was a real Princess get married on television. She was totally beautiful.

It's totally decent that you have so many friends. My best friend lives across the street, too. Her name is Jennifer and she has awesome leg warmers. I want some but my parents say that it's silly to wear them in the summer time unless you are a dancer. If you think a singing toilet is dirty, you would be shocked now. Sometimes I find ditto copies of my Dad's jokes from work. In one, there is this drawing of two naked kids and one is standing on the other kid's head...anyway, I don't get it but I know it's dirty. (Don't tell anyone I found those.)

They are still talking about flying cars, but it hasn't happened yet. I am thinking maybe it'll happen by the year 2000. I can't believe I'll be 27 then! It's totally weird to think that I will be that old. You are like 25 now. How is it being old?

Well I am going to stop now. I hope your life turned out great.

Your totally great friend,

PS Do your grandparent's houses smell funny? Mine do and it totally grosses me out.

7:52 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Dear Scott,

What you said about President kennedy made me sad. Do they really have robots? Maybe they can make a President Kennedy robot.

Are there aliens too? Boy!

Your Friend,

Dear Katrina,

You are lucky to have a cat and a robot at the same time.

I hope that person learns how to wash her hands because it's a shame to waste all that cake.

Your Friend,

Dear NYPinTA,

That would be so wicked to have a robot Vice President! But isn't everyone worried he might turn violent on humans?

I like your name.

Your Friend,

Dear Me,

I know who Ronald Reagan is. He is the host of my dad's favorite TV show, Death Valley Days. I guess knowing a lot about history helped him to be president.

Why does everybody like shooting presidents?

Are hippies like beatniks? Do they wear sunglasses all of the time?

Does Jennifer have a problem that makes her legs cold? But she sounds nice.

Your Friend,

8:10 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Dear John,

The world has gone to hell in a hand basket (a saying my father always said that I never really understood). See what you can do about stopping time and just staying in 1961.

Thanks for writing, it was fun to see what it was like before I was born.

Your friend,

8:32 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Dear Kathleen,

My mother says the same thing, so I guess things aren't all that different.

My father mainly complains about the Red Sox.

Your Friend,

8:41 AM  
Blogger Farrago said...

Dear John,

Regale in the fact that you wrote a letter to yourself in the future, but I pity you that you will never get an answer because in the year 2006 people don't send letters in the mail any more. They type them on small computers that fit on their desks, or even in their laps. 2006 John might try to respond to your letter, but he'll most likely type it on his computer. But since your parents don't have a computer yet (or even a car that runs right), you'll never get his letter. Or this one, for that matter.

And the Boston Red Sox will never ever win another World Series in your lifetime, so you might as well give up and become a Washington Senators fan.

6:28 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"And the Boston Red Sox will never ever win another World Series in your lifetime, so you might as well give up and become a Washington Senators fan."

Don't you say that! I'm telling Mom!

6:41 PM  

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