Everybody’s Extra Credit Assignment

Hello class. My name is Mr. Schprock. It’s a rather hard name to spell, so I wrote it out for you on the board. I’ll be your substitute teacher for the next couple of weeks at least. Your regular teacher, Ms. Brockelmeyer, won’t be with us for a while. She’s suffering from an “acute stress disorder.” That’s what we used to call a “nervous breakdown.” Your principal, Mr. Witherstare, seems to think this class is responsible. I’ll withhold my judgment for now.

As you can see, I’m wearing a tweed sport coat with patches at the elbows. That means what? Anybody? I’m an intellectual. Say it with me: in-tuh-leck-chu-wul. Very good. What else does that mean? Anybody? Well, it could mean that I’m over-qualified to teach this high school English class. Why do I do it then? Because I’m destitute. Des-tuh-toot. Everybody: des-tuh-toot. Very good.

OK then. I don’t know any of your names, but I have the seating chart in front of me, so please forgive me if I refer to it as I call on you. Let’s see . . . Phil. You in the back. Put the spitballs away please. No, by “away,” I mean in your backpack. I can wait. All right, thank you. And young lady in the front here . . . Chloe. You show good organization. I like the lavender trapper-keeper and that’s a ship-shape pencil box you’ve got there. I’m giving you extra class credit right now. OK, OK . . . Henry and Nypinta. Yes, you two. Pass the note forward. The note, the note. Pass it to me. Right here — I’ll take that, thank you. And who are you? Yes, you young lady? Name? Knitter? Hello, Knitter. Can I see that book? The one you’re covering? The Valley of the Dolls? Do your parents know you’re reading this? Give it to me please. You can have it back at the end of the semester, provided it’s all right with them.

All right, all right! Attention please! People! Ms. Brockel— OK, you two, John and Michele, you can both save that sort of thing for after school! Same goes for the lovebirds over there by the window, Mr. T and Mrs. T! This is English class, not some lover’s lane! Are we clear? Are we? Good. So, as I started to — Trinamick! You’ve got a fresh mouth on you young lady! Don’t think I can’t hear you! I’ll put you on detention faster than . . . than — don’t finish my sentences! I don’t care how witty you think you are! Faster than that! (snaps fingers)

Yes, young man. Third row. A question? Say it again? Reading shed-dule? Shed? Oh, yes, you’re Spirit, the exchange student. Listen up my friend from across the pond, here in the good old U. S. of A., we say it sked, got it? Sked-dule. Schedule. You, Scott, I'm moving you next to Spirit so you can explain to him how to pronounce words. But good question. I was coming around to that. I see Ms. Brockelmeyer had The Turn of the Screw, by Henry James, assigned to you. Well guess what? I hate Henry James! You could use one of his sentences to measure the Empire State Building with! So look, I’m going to take the weekend to come up with a new assignment for you, BUT, in the meantime, I have an extra credit assignment. That’s right people, extra credit, meaning you don’t have to do it, but seeing as how I might be around for a while, it wouldn’t hurt to get on my good side. Right? Right.

Good then. Everybody who wants to get ahead in this class, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go to the local library and withdraw a book. I haven’t finished yet. This book has to be one you never heard of and by an author you’ve never read. No friend recommended it to you, OK? You haven’t even read a book review on it. All you have to do is look at the book jacket, maybe skim it a little bit and read a few passages. If it seems right, check it out. If not, keep looking. But find the right book. OK? Simple? Good.

So on Monday, I want everybody participating to tell me what book you’ve chosen and why you think it might be a good book to read. And then you’ve got to promise to read the whole thing. Easy, right? Right.

Very well, then. Class dismissed.