Thursday, February 01, 2007

Terror Strikes Beantown

Today’s Terror Warning Level: Mauve

As most of you probably know, Boston was recently terrorized by a little character named Err from the Adult Swim cartoon show Aqua Teen Hunger Force. For many residents, this event brings back harrowing, barely-repressed memories of the time when Magilla Gorilla climbed the statehouse dome and flung bananas down at the mayor back in 1968, or that other incident in the late eighties when Master Splinter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles held the city under siege until the pizza shops agreed to stop offering anchovies as a topping. The citizens of Boston have certainly endured more than their share of terrorism over the years.

As a public service, The Schprock Report offers this brief list Bostonians can keep handy to help us battle the terrorist threat together.

• Know the difference between a terrorist cell and a terrorist cel.
• Report any unattended Happy Meals you may see, especially near bridges, LNG containers and swing sets.
• Recognize the many shapes WMDs can take, from oversized mallets to exploding cigars.
• Most followers of Islam are our friends and pose no threat whatsoever, but watch out for obvious giveaways like guys named Ali Al-Badguy McKillsalot.
• If you’re in a crowded marketplace and someone yells, “Ah-bee ah-bee ah-bee ah — that’s all folks!,” run like the hell.

• How did Jonny Quest’s dad, Dr. Benton Quest, come to adopt Hadji anyway? Did “Race” Bannon even look into that? Is Hadji really in this country legally? (Editor’s note: not knowing an old cartoon can cost you your life.)
• Vigilantism is no answer; law enforcement should be left to trained professionals, not amateurs. For more information, please visit
• Report any coyote you spot carrying a wooden crate marked “ACME” with a long fuse trailing from it.

The Schprock Report invites all readers to add their potentially life-saving tips to this list in the blog’s comment section. Thank you in advance for your help.


Blogger Beth said...

OMG, I'm still rolling over the coyote/ACME comment. And I loved Johnny Quest. It was my favorite childhood cartoon. No witty remarks or cautions reside in my brain presenly.

7:18 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Jonny Quest was my favorite, too, way back in the day when the show first aired. And it didn't hurt that his name closely resembles my real name.

7:48 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

If a lion asks, "One lump, or two?"

Or instructs you to, "Exit, stage left."

If a large walking rooster says, "I say, I say, you got it all wrong boy. I'm not a rooster, but he is (pointing to a dog with a surgical glove on his head)..."

If a little girl with black hair, an extremely large face, and wearing a blue dress offers you to kick the football she's standing on the ground on a fingertip...

Run like hell man!

10:12 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

And don't stick around no matter how many scooby snacks you're offered.

10:14 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

If you're walking down a dark alley and you see a kangaroo wearing boxing gloves, don't walk. Run, man, run away.

11:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mauve...heh. Mauve is a terrible terrible word, and even worse color. If there was funny words after mauve, I missed them.



6:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I come to bury the hatchet...not in your pointed head, boy...

You must be terrified living there. It's madness, I tell ya...

8:33 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

If a large spotted great Dane starts talking, simply tear the mask off the ghost who's sure to follow him and be a SAViOUR!

8:59 AM  
Blogger fringes said...

Too funny. I don't have any other suggestions since I live in a far more fascist place than Boston. We aren't even allowed to post Garage Sale signs. If you'll notice, however, the other cities who were victims of this terrorist act didn't even notice the blinking signs. They are so going down first in the next jihad.

9:49 AM  
Blogger Kathleen said...

Jonny Quest was so cool. Did we ever really know what happened to Mrs. Quest?

Be very careful if you see a dog with very expressive eyebrows being walked by a cheese-eating Englishman.

10:42 AM  
Blogger tiff said...

OMG - I detect a Wallace and Gromit reference! Excellent!

11:06 AM  
Blogger Flash said...

You know, someone got ahold of one of those Light-Brite Advertising signs that caused the stir and you'll see it on eBay for hundreds upon hundreds of yen!

11:47 AM  

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