Saturday, October 01, 2005

The Schprock Report

Note the title of the post. Now note the blog’s name. They match, don’t they? Yes, the other day I stole a few moments to creep into my Fortress of Solitude and rethink a few things in my life. Rejected were the aquamarine hair beads, Beatle boots and psychedelic, bell-bottomed pants, but accepted was a new blog name. You see, the clunky Musings of Great Import was thought up on the spur of the moment. I wanted to comment on Random Squeegee one day and the only way I could see to do it was to create a blog identity of my own. So, after devoting to this weighty matter a full two seconds, the name Musings of Great Import came into being. Little did I suspect that the moment my back was turned this blog would grow and multiple like fungi in a damp, dark place, and I’d be saddled with the name day in and day out.

Of course, it doesn't help that I’m not a good name thinker-upper. I nearly settled on this jazzy alternative: Ruminations of No Small Moment. It turns out a guy named Mr. Schpreck already took that one. That's okay — it didn't quite pass the smell test anyway. So finally, after hours of deliberation and reflection, I hit upon The Schprock Report. But nothing else has changed. It’s still the same softening, deteriorating brain that generates the content. My skewed perspective on the world remains wonderfully consistent. And I know you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sorry about my reticence of late. I’ve been busier than a — than a what? A “one-armed paperhanger with crabs”? Oh Henry, you slay me, you know that? I nearly choked on my bagel when I read that. It took three of my office-mates to figure out the Heimlich in time to save my life. But how true. As many of you know, I’m a graphic designer, and my bosses thought it might be fun to assign me two huge projects at once. Each one is a full time job in and of itself. Project number one is the spring 2006 catalog for a major publisher of schoolbooks. Project number two is an annual report for a well-connected not-for-profit agency. The annual report I work on exclusively, while the catalog I supervise and must know like the catechism, so when the client calls I can speak about it intelligently. Both have my signature, so to speak. The result is my brain has been cleft in twain. While the right hemisphere concocts snappy pie charts for the annual report’s financial page, the left hemisphere tries desperately to divine the vague direction the client has given for the catalog’s Emergent Readers’ Social Studies spread. Yeesh! The other day, while my right brain was designing an organizational chart, the left brain ran into the men’s room and hid in there for an hour and a half. We had to take the door off the hinges to get it out. Is this any way to do things?

I get into work so early I have to disturb the homeless guy who sleeps in front of our door at night. It’s still dark — not even 6am — when I roll in on my bike. Sometimes I can sneak by without bothering him, but often I need him to move over or he’ll get it on the coconut with the door. I always tell him it’s still early and go back to sleep. Poor bastard. — Or wait — who’s the poor bastard? The guy who’s sleeping or the mindless drone who gets in before the cock crows to go tap-tap on the keyboard and click-click with the mouse all day?

Pardon me while I take this moment to have an epiphany.

Anyway, here it is, Saturday, and where am I? At work! And what will I do tomorrow? Work! At least there’s this one blessing: no phones are ringing and the email is relatively silent. While I toil the client sleeps. O the injustice! O the humanity! O quit my complaining and get to work!


Blogger Chloe said...

Welcome back, Mr. Schprock. I shall await each installment of your report with bated breath.

p.s. the word generator is using Olde English today: it gave me groyn

4:07 PM  
Blogger Paul (rock star wanna be) said...

Welcome back.. I wish you success on both projects.

7:11 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Groyn." It could be Old English for "groan," or a place where, once kicked, elicits a groan.

Totally digging your new avatar, btw.

Thanks for the good wishes Paul!

6:54 PM  
Blogger Henry said...

Glad to help with a description of your current state of affairs.
Good to see you post--now if we can only get John to post. Then we would be certain that you both weren't laid off--I was beginning to wonder.

4:25 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

...and I, too am diggin chloe's new avatar.

4:26 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"Then we would be certain that you both weren't laid off--I was beginning to wonder."

News of my demise has been greatly exaggerated.

4:37 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Very Twainsian of you Mr. Schprock. It's good to have you back. The new name works for me, although I didn't have a problem with the old one. I created my blog as a way to comment on another site myself. That's funny that you started the same way.

6:55 AM  
Blogger Chloe said...

Thanks guys!!

7:01 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

Hah. I too started a blog only so I could comment on John's blog. So I guess you could say this is all his fault!

7:35 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Nypinta and Scott, I'll bet we're not the only ones. Oh, and by the way, Scott wrote a short story everybody!!! And check out Nypinta's fan fiction site (just use the link in "Talking to the Moon")!!!

"I like stories." — Homer J. Simpson

8:03 AM  
Blogger trinamick said...

I too was sucked in by the need to leave sarcasm on John's blog. And look where it has gotten me. To Mr. Schprock! Woo-hoo!

9:36 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I too was sucked in by the need to leave sarcasm on John's blog. And look where it has gotten me. To Mr. Schprock! Woo-hoo!"

See? Out of every misfortune some good can be found.

10:43 AM  
Blogger NYPinTA said...

BTW- now I have to change the link on my blog! Damn... it's almost like work! ;P

Oh, and thanks for pimping my fan fic.

12:41 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"BTW- now I have to change the link on my blog! Damn... it's almost like work! ;P"

If I didn't think you could handle it, I never would have done it.

12:59 PM  
Blogger :phil: said...

'Emergent Readers’ Social Studies'
That's a Simon and Schuster book I think, I work for the Parent Company and I too was at work Saturday and Sunday trying to get out anncillaries for our Literature Book, small world.
I love the new title!

3:00 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Hey Phil — actually, it's not a Simon and Schuster book, but a line of readers from a competing publisher. Nevertheless, it's good to know there's a fellow drudge out there who truly understands.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Mona said...

Ah...the Schprock Report...concise, descriptive, to the point. Change it whenever you damn well feel like it.

Interesting observation of who might be luckier on a Saturday morning.

Hope life is being kind to you.

5:38 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Thanks Mona. I know you're a good person to take advice from. And I want to take this moment to complement you on your September 29 post on "Shedding." It helped me a lot.

4:20 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Wait a minute — that didn't come out right! Everybody read Mona and find out what she means by "shedding."

4:35 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I missed you and love the new name. O to sleep all day. Nice. =)

5:57 AM  
Blogger Master of None said...

That's a lot of work time. I get in early to work also, and I had to fend off a panhandler yesterday morning which is odd considering a) it was 6:30 a.m. and b) it's now illegal to panhandle in downtown Atlanta.

6:56 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

"I missed you and love the new name. O to sleep all day. Nice. =)"

"To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub…"

Taken completely out of context of course.

"…it's now illegal to panhandle in downtown Atlanta."

Whenever I go to lunch or dash to the store during work here in Boston, I have to run the gauntlet. I always act if they're not there, which makes me feel like crap.

7:14 AM  
Blogger John said...

I like the new name. It's classy.

Do do do dodo do dodo do dodo
The Schprock Report, with Hudson Schprock and Justice Merriweather.

Hello, I'm Hudson Schprock, and here are tonights headlines...

Cool. No less than three blogs started because of me! And the only reason I have a blog is because I found out a certain girl I went to school had one. Googling people's names is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Henry said...

I'm sort of a cousin-type blog John---I started mine because I wanted to comment on someone who started theirs because of you.
I guess I have mine because of you then, huh.

9:56 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

I just diagrammed what Henry just said and fed the data into a supecomputer. We should have the results in a week.

10:52 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

Just to let you know, I'm still reading Finding Suzie Beans. I have to do it in chunks because of limited time at work lately, which I am sure you understand. The cats are on their way to Fenway Pahhhk to find out who is sits in the ticketed seat. Really good stuff. I like how you are tackling a mystery/adventure, all with animal characters. It's an ambitious story, enjoyable and well done.

5:55 AM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Thanks dude. I know it's kind of long — probably better read in installments.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Flash said...

Mr. Schprock, I too am a graphic artist, and I know the feeling of being seen as a superhero of the trade, able to balance 6 12-man projects by myself, all with the same dead line.

Glad to see you back. And love the new name. Seems to be the time for Blog Changes for a lot of people. Your like the 5th I've seen so far.

12:26 PM  
Blogger mr. schprock said...

Hey Tony, I always knew you were alright, now I know why! Don't you love changing gears between being Mr. Production and The Artiste? Lately it's been nearly all Mr. Production for me. Just crank it out, baby.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Mona said...

Mr. Schprock,
Thank you. It makes my day when someone tells me that one of my posts helped.
Can't wait to hear the next report.

10:16 PM  
Blogger Ben O. said...

Dude - when you have filed the report in triplicate and completed all the proper paperwork, then you can call your blog a "Report".

Not before :)

Ben O.

9:29 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home